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She:
It’s true, I’ve seen some really bad movies in my day. But I really thought directors set standards. “Valentine,” directed by Jamie Blanks, gives us an hour and thirty-seven minutes of pure crap. Starring the ever-talented Denise Richards, “Valentine” is a horror movie that isn’t scary, funny or interesting. This struck me as disturbing, because usually when a horror movie is bad, you can at least laugh at it. This one made me yawn.
He:
For once, I agree with my comrade. “Valentine” was boring, dull and unimaginative. The plot line revolves around four girls whom the audience meets at a sixth grade dance and ends with the quartet being a sad parody of “Sex in the City.” The villain is a sixth grade geek turned modern day psycho — the result of being turned down by these four.
“Valentine” then jumps from one red herring to the next, trying to confuse the audience as to who the real serial killer is but the movie forgets one thing: halfway through this garbage, we don’t care anymore.
She:
It’s too bad the production company actually paid the actors and crew to make this movie. It wasn’t worth the film. But the movie really makes me scared that someone I made fun of in middle school will come after me for revenge. Just kidding.
Blanks also directed “Urban Legends” which was no great film either, but much better than “Valentine.”
He:
There is something that strikes me as funny about the four women who are terrorized in this film. One is smart, one is a beauty queen, one is supposed to be chubby and one is a slut. Only one has a boyfriend but he’s actually an on and off thing. What’s striking is that the entire movie has this theme of women trying to find that perfect mate. They all do dating services and they’re always whining about never meeting the right man. Strangely it’s that perfect mate that kills them all. Hmmm? Irony or just unimaginative?
She:
Unimaginative. Sorry if we spoiled the plot, kids. Another major downfall of this movie is it isn’t even formulistic, it’s just dumb. They at least could have gone with a common horror theme like boy meets girl, boy kills girl; or there’s just a random psycho going around killing people. I don’t even remember being scared during the movie. That’s pretty bad.
He:
We could go on and on about staying away from this stinker but we will stop here. If you like seeing pretty girls in various stages of undress and you get jumpy with creepy music in the background; “Valentine” is up your alley. I will suggest this though, wait until it goes to the cheap seats. Paying too much for a bum movie always gets me mad.
Bangor Daily News