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Monday, Sept. 15, 10:41 a.m.
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Porn stars wanted, all positions

Being a porn star must be an odd profession. Your whole day at “work” would be humping co-workers named Bubbles and Trixie in the pooper and other uncomfortable areas (like the back of a Volkswagen).

You can’t have a normal name when your job is performing rough sex. A plain name gives off the impression you are less dominant in the sack. You are far better off to be known as something tacky like “Massive Reggie” or “Chokie Cox.”

One might inquire about the job benefits for being an adult entertainer. In most jobs you are provided with some sort of dental/medical plan from the company’s insurance agency. One would think that it would be hard to find a reputable dentist being a porn actor or actress. I know that I wouldn’t personally root around in a porno mouth for the same cost as a normal cleanup. I would also feel eerie about being a porn star’s physician, well, unless I was a bone doctor.

Do porno stars have to do their own taxes? My part-time jobs require me to fill out W2 forms. In the box that says “earned income” they must write “you have no idea, pal.” And how exactly do producers of adult films determine wage? Per hour? Salary? Per orgasm?

No pornographic actor or actress could possibly have a grandmother alive. It would be a shade under impossible to explain to a sweet old lady, busy making you fresh cookies, that you are starring in such movies as “Wad Gobblers 17″ or “The Anal Adventures of Max Hardcore.” That element of surprise directly leads to strokes.

You never see pornography stars at your school’s career day. There are always the regular booths with prestigious doctors, lawyers with fancy smiles and that shady-looking military dude trying to get you to “be all that you can be.” Never once do you see a booth filled with scantily clad women and mustached athletic men jumping into spontaneous sex acts on the folding table. I guess it would take away from the dental hygienist’s booth.

Last year I remember meeting with my high school guidance counselor. We sat down and tried to map out the rest of my working life in a convenient half hour segment before lunch. We typed my special interests into the computer to see what kind of predicted outcome came about. Of the choices to pick from – strong math skills, people skills, interests in science, nature, etc. – not one question even bothered to lead toward a career in sex. In the “things I enjoy” part of the evaluation there was no option to say I am interested in casual sex, pubic relations and jumping the bones of the people with whom I work.

All in all, being a porno actor/actress isn’t such a bad field of work. It is about the only job where you can be happy to bring your work home with you. It is just best to skip “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.”

Nate Drinkwater is a first-year communications major.