Twitter
Facebook
Reddit
Digg
Tell us what you think!Send a letter to the editor about this or any other article in The Maine Campus.
Editor’s note: The following comedic review of Coors Light beer was conducted by a writer of legal age in the safety of his own home.
Beer Number 1:
When I was asked to review this here beer for The Maine Campus, I was a bit apprehensive. I began my research immediately and dove liver-first into a 12-pack. A devoted alcoholic, I find Coors Light to be a zesty, ice cold, refreshing substitute for water.
The Coors Brewing Company has done itself proud by creating Coors Light geared specifically for consumption by rednecks. I love this beer. It has all of the characteristics I look for in a suitable alcoholic beverage. It is cheap. It comes in a shiny can. It doesn’t pack too mean of a hangover. One can easily puke Coors Light foam out their nose and still go out partying.
Coors Light should be served and consumed ice cold. In fact, the colder the better. A crisp and light domestic, this beer does little for the taste buds other than rinse them when your chompin’ on a steak. Feel free to drink multiple Coors Lights and repeat as necessary to relieve the pain of being caught in karaoke bars and country night clubs.
Coors Light is as attractively packaged as a beer may be. Each beer’s shiny silver can reflects the airy hushes of chrome like dancing mud flap girls. Coors Light rules. DRINK COORS LIGHT!
Beer Number 2:
That first one was 30 seconds of pure delight; on to beer number two. The thing you notice about Coors Light is how little it tastes like a premium microbrew or mainstream draught. It has very little flavor to it. This is essential in choosing a light beer. Light beers are generally the beer of choice for those of us who plan on drinking a large amount of beer over a large span of time. Take for instance dawn to dusk.
Now, when you plan to wake on a Saturday morning and turn directly to booze, you must choose a beverage light enough that you can maintain all day long.
Heavier beers such as Michelob or Budweiser will have you throwing up by mid-afternoon. Coors Light, however, will have you believing that you can keep drinking all night long.
Beer Number 3:
Another Saturday night, another 12-pack. This has been a ritual of mine for a long, long time. Nothing is quite as enjoyable as throwing on a drunk with myself on a Saturday night. Around beer number six, I will start calling the information desk for nonsense information about the campus. Juvenile, maybe, but isn’t that what this is all about?
Beer Number 4:
Now we are getting somewhere. Nearly to the half-way point. A warm tingling sensation moving in on my finger tips. Coors Light is still going down smooth.
One complaint though. Cans of cold Coors Light are too small to fit snugly into a coozie. This causes the beer to become warm quicker than it should. Warm Coors Light is no bueno. I’ll have to slam the rest of this one to avoid bitter beer face. I’ll grab another on my way outta the can.
Beer Number 5:
Cold Coors Light snaps open with a crisp whoosh that entices the drinker to “dive in.” I love this beer, truly. Had it not been for Coors Light, I might have been sober enough to refuse a move to Maine in the middle of February from Texas. Coors Light by my side, here I am. Sniff, sniff… I love you man. Gotta pee again.
Okay, time to prank call the information desk.
“Hello, UMaine Information.”
“Yes, I would like some information.”
“Like where are the bathrooms?”
“Nope, I heard there are aliens. I was wondering if you could tell me where they all are?”
“Well,” she says, “I hear there is only one momma alien and she is kinda cute.”
“Is she kind of a lonely, momma alien?”
“Yes…”
“Let me call you back.”
Beer Number 6:
The thing about 12-packs of beer and skinny white rednecks is that you could easily save six for the next day. Dedicated to the task and devoted to my job, I will finish. I’m beginning to get a little gassy.
Damn cat, was that you? If you’re sick go to the hospital. Hold on, I gotta pee.
Beer Number 8:
Mmmmm….beer. Hey, this bathroom looks familiar.
Beer Number 9:
Gotta pee, again. Another advantage to a light domestic. Frequent urination should help the beer cycle out quickly which may be important…later.
Beer Number 10:
Drinking alone is lame. I am inviting someone over the next time I drink a twelver of anything. Coors Light is a good watered-down substitute for real beer if you are a real cheap drunk like myself. I am feelin’ pretty good. Two more to go. I recommend this beer to anyone currently drinking schwag beer. It tastes WAY better than 40-ouncers. If you are currently holding a Busch, Bud Light, any kind of light ice, Keystone, Natural Light or Milwakee’s Best, pay the extra buck and make the switch. Coors Light is refreshing, non-filling and fun. Best of all it comes in a shiny can and we all know how some women are attracted to shiny objects.
Beer Number 12?:
Okay. I am holding my head up while I type one-handed and it’s taking a real long time to write anything. I have to pee again. Uhmmm…. I lost count somehow and now I am out of beer. Beer is good. You should drink beer. You should buy a really big beer and drink all day. You should buy me some more beer. I don’t care what you drink, but make mine a Coors Light. It’s cheap and it’s good. Cheap and good. Never met a microbrew I could say that about.
