Opinion

Beware the chick flick

Know the warning signs of the dreaded movie genre

By Mark Mercier

Posted on Dec. 06, 2001, at 12:00 a.m.

Who would have thought, after seeing the previews, “Coyote Ugly” would turn out to be a chick flick? Fifteen minutes into the movie, I knew I had just been duped. How can we not get our hopes up for what turns out to be a predictable crap-fest about a girl’s inner strength and realization of her dream? Fear not, brothers, merely pay attention to the following rules:

Don’t trust a movie just because it says, “Produced by so-and-so.” Directors are pretty solid when it comes to genres: Action: John McTiernan, John Woo, Michael Bay; Horror: Wes Craven, John Carpenter; Comedy: Peter and Bobby Farrelly, John Landis. Producers, however, are bastards of the movie industry. A producer can do any genre. Jerry Bruckheimer produced Coyote Ugly and, aside from the girly-girls, that was why I saw it. Damn him and his disloyalty, unless he was the man behind the water-pitcher sequence.

Pay attention to the previews before the flick. Previews are shown before certain movies because the distributors figure the people seeing a genre of movie will want to see other movies of the same genre. If you are seeing a film you aren’t quite sure about and there is a preview for Hope Floats, well, you know where the emergency exits are.

Ask yourself, “Is the movie about a girl and her dream?” Most chick flicks revolve around the female achieving some dream she doesn’t believe she can do and it takes her man to convince her she has the strength. The subplots are usually weak and everything revolves around the female, and she gets everything she wants. Examples are the abysmal “Coyote Ugly” and the not bad “Save the Last Dance,” which has a few strong subplots.

The girl tells off a guy: Usually, in these chick flicks, there is a male character who acts inappropriately and is “told off” by a female in an embarrassing, usually public format. This is called “sass.”

Any movie with Whoopie Goldberg. This doesn’t have to do with chick flicks, it is just a good rule to avoid the Whoopie at all costs.

Bashful male characters who “prove themselves.” Outside of a porno, the shy male character will only get some in a chick flick similar to the ’80s rash of pity screws. Chick flicks always make a male character as sensitive as an exposed wound, because women like to pretend that is what they are looking for. I have seen my “nice-guy” friends trampled on by women more times than I can count. I think they have those guys in movies to make the boyfriends watching feel guilty for something they might not be doing.

Any film about a group of women. This seems obvious, but many people are fooled. No matter how hot the women are, if they are in a group on the cover, the film is about girl power, i.e.: “Steel Magnolias,” “Fried Green Tomatoes” and, once again, “Coyote Ugly.” There is the exception of “Where the Boys Aren’t Vol. 7,” which is most definitely a guy flick, or the best kind of chick flick.

Sex scenes with the following: silhouettes kissing, legs intertwined, hands clasped or any shot that does not show gratifying nudity.

Old mothers in chick flicks will die, no matter how much “sass.” Cardinal rule.

Improvised singing: perhaps the most deadly element. Girls, usually in PJs, using some sort of improvised microphone, like a hairbrush or toothbrush, dancing around and singing. Only the chickiest of flicks resort to this.

Consider yourself warned. God speed, brothers.

Mark Mercier is a senior English major.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 6th, 2001, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.