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The following is a satirical article that was published in the April Fool’s edition of the newspaper.
Ever since the controversial breakup of pop starlet Britney Spears and long-time N’sync-er Justin Timberlake, pre-pubescent girls all over America have had just one question.why?
The answer, as we discovered, is right here at the University of Maine, in the heart of Student Government.
While on spring break in Florida, Student Government vice-president Matt Gagnon was allegedly seen with the pop queen in what, to stay within the accordance of the FCC, we can only describe as “compromising” situations.
“The cheatin’ bitch,” as Timberlake referred to Spears in an AP statement, was reportedly seen with Gagnon while on location for her next music video entitled, “I’m A Dirty Dirty Girl.”
Gagnon refused to comment on the situation, until this reporter managed to loosen him up with a few rounds of the “Silver Bullet.”
In an inebriated interview with The Maine Crapus, Gagnon admitted that he felt a scandal of this proportion would be “good publicity.” Following in the footsteps of his high-profile mentors, Bill Clinton and Gary Condit, Gagnon said that he hoped “spearing Britney” would increase his popularity among students on campus.
“What can I say?” said Gagnon. “The bitch sat on my lap and whispered in my ear. So I took her back to my place and did my business. All I wanted was a ‘lowie.’ Hell, anyone would have done it. Hell even Hoff would have taken her in-right Petey?”
President Hoff could not be reached for comment on the situation at press time, but he reportedly found our tactics to be “cheap and petty.”
Later in the evening our sources tell us Hoff was seen racing across the mall on foot with a 40 of Schlitz, wearing nothing more than an empty beer case.
On a side note the Student Women’s Association said they found this issue extremely offensive and demanded that radical action be taken-although they’re not exactly sure what it is yet.
