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The following is a satirical article that was published in the April Fool’s edition of the newspaper.
The University of Maine often comes under intense fire from this paper for problems like lack of parking or too much construction. However, even this curmudgeoned old staff has some room in our hearts for love. We here at The Maine Crapus have come to realize that it is unfair to criticize the university’s every move. Therefore, in the spirit of the holiday, we’ve made a list of everything we love about UMaine.
Tuition, for example, is nearly perfect. It seems reasonable that as the university population grows, so should tuition. It makes sense really. Hell, we don’t mind paying more money as long as we see more construction.
Speaking of construction, we understand that with the increased population growth comes the need for more buildings. With only five or six buildings under construction at present, now is the time for expansion and growth. Please UMaine administration, don’t slow down now. You can’t take away our construction hats just when they were starting to get comfortable.
And how about parking? All these new students means less parking for the rest of us, which is great. We can’t guarantee we’ll be to class on time, but the 30-minute walk is beautiful this time of the year.
But parking be damned! How about a big Maine Crapus congratulations to those hard-working monkeys who continuously crank out tickets for each one of our windshields, personally making our day brighter. The Maine Crapus would also like to take this time to discourage any violence against said monkeys – come on people, they’re only doing their job.
And what a good job they’re doing.
We also love the new Maine Marketplace; where else could we find a shopping mall atmosphere combined with sky-high prices and muddy coffee? The food’s good, the scenery’s good – the love is good.
Alllll good.
