Bigger for Bumstock is better

By Rachel Kennedy

Posted on April 11, 2002, at 12:00 a.m.

Big or small?

Some may argue that big things come in small packages. For the men in the reading audience I shall be more explicit: the small things I speak of are diamond rings. And then there are those who prefer the quasi-evil pants-popping big. I now invite you all to sit and listen, to pull up a chair.

When it comes to Bumstock, when it comes to bands, I say live large. I want something I can barely contain in my own two hands. I want to be excited. I don’t want to tell my kids that once upon a time I saw “Currently Nameless.” I want the big bands and I want them now. I want to glance casually over the who’s-who list and be unwilling, unable to move my eyes elsewhere.

Hats off to Student Government.

Thank you for your small delivery.

Local bands, yay.

Evidently, you don’t know how to please a woman.

Think: Big, big, big, big!

This is somewhat ancient news, but after excommunicating Nate Shea for being “too disorganized,” the even more disorganized Student Entertainment decided to take over.

(I reveal that last bit of schematics for those of you who tend to fancy the shady sides of large rocks.)

Now, this implies many things. For instance, Bumstock is to be organized by a Jell-O eating first-year student.. I am mad. Look at my frown: terrible, terrible.

I’m at that point in my life where I must necessarily reflect on the absolute staples of America’s America, for life cannot and will not be the same without the alchemies of canned spaghetti sauce, smudge-proof lipstick and big-name bands. Each of these treasured tokens has revolutionized the life of this Tri-State area native, and I can only submit the following:

Canned spaghetti sauce has made eating Italian possible for even the Spaniard. Smudge-proof lipstick has taken the fear out of a perchance rendez-vous with a man’s white collar, and big name bands have been good for the soul.

My soul’s screaming, “feed me, feed me.” So, with respect to UMaine’s Student Government, I must devote the rest of my schlock to such a topic.

Student Government has a reserved spot very close to my anti-green, anti-Jell-O heart. You do know what happens to Jell-O at high temperatures, don’t you?

Screw user-friendly candles, I have a blowtorch.

Campus Currents: Bumstock