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Diana McElwain: “Sweet Home Alabama” is a wannabe comedy/love story aimed at 13-year-old girls who are still diligent in their quests for a perfect man.
Jason Houle: The movie centers around New York City debutante designer Melanie Carmichael and her voyage home to Pigeon Hole, Ala. to divorce her high school redneck sweetheart after being proposed to by the son of the NYC mayor (played by Candace Bergen).
DM: It’s Murphy Brown!
JH: Bergen played the antagonist in the movie, trying to thwart her son’s wedding plans by digging up dirt on Melanie Carmichael, or as we find out later in the movie, Melanie Smooter. Bergen even sends her personal assistant to Alabama to spy on Carmichael, disguised as a sneaky reporter for the New York Post.
DM: When the assistant was fooled by Melanie’s gay friend Billie Ray, Bergen’s search for dirt quickly ended with everyone’s hands looking clean – for now.
JH: What ever happened to good journalism?
DM: We’re doing movie reviews.
JH: Smooter/Carmichael, who is played by the incomparable Reese Witherspoon. In the film Witherspoon’s character becomes torn between her past and present love interests when, after returning home, sparks eventually begin to fly with her old flame. All I know is, I’d sure like to ignite her flames.
DM: You couldn’t find the match if you wanted to. You said she was hot thirteen times in the course of an hour and a half. Even I started to think she was attractive.
JH: Cruel Intentions was the pinnacle of her career. That movie made her the deflowered sex symbol she is today. And now that she’s had a bun in the oven, she’s officially a MILF, and has achieved the status of demigoddess.
DM: Upon returning home, Witherspoon’s “city-fied” ways contrast with the deep south values of her birthplace. She is no longer the country mouse that they have grown to love, but a condescending money hungry city mouse.
JH: Country mouse? City mouse? Hey, the third grade called, and they want their story back. This story hits a turning point when Witherspoon’s new fiance learns her true identity and past after flying to Alabama to suprise her.
DM: But surprisingly, he still loves her and wants to marry her despite the fact she is a deceitful and conniving bitch.
JH: Hey, back off the Witherspoon trashing.
DM: No, but seriously, no man would be so wonderful, understanding and forgiving. He is the epitome of the perfect man – what every girl wants, but no man will ever be. Even when she leaves him at the altar for her high school redneck husband, he wishes her nothing but the best. This doesn’t happen girls. Trust me.
JH: He’s such a pussy.
DM: I guess the one thing this movie teaches us about life is, “You can take the girl out of the Honky Tonk, but you cant take the Honky Tonk out of the girl.”
JH: And you can’t ride two horses with one ass.
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