Opinion

‘Pour some sugar on me’

The decade of synthesizers, reptilian ninjas and tight pants

By Nathan Webster

Posted on Oct. 21, 2002, at 12:00 a.m.

When I think about the past few movies and music videos I’ve seen, and what I’ve recently been hearing on the radio, I feel the urge to strike a Tim Robbins “Shawshank Redemption” pose and scream at the sky: “Why can’t I be back in the 80s?”

Even though I was no older than eight before the onset of the 90s, I can still tell you that the “Decade of Decadence” had all the coolest movies, music and cartoons.

First, let’s discuss cartoons. I remember when I was a kid all the cartoons were adventure-filled and action-packed. Two of the best of these were Transformers and G. I. Joe. I squealed with delight every time I watched a Decepticon or Cobra Commando get blown into smithereens on my TV screen.

Let’s not forget that the late 80s gave us ninjitsu-craving youngsters one of the finest cartoon series ever made, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” Just hearing “Cowabunga” gets me misty-eyed. I know you too can name all four of the “heroes in a half shell.” Nowadays, all the cartoons we have to watch is feel-good-let’s-all-get-along fluff like “Hey Arnold!” and “The Powerpuff Girls.” I’ll take any cartoon out of the 80s over that crap. Not that I still watch cartoons.

As I turn on the radio and hear the latest garbage from all the “The” bands, The Hives, The Vines, The White Stripes, The Strokes, I ask myself: “Nate, where are the hair bands?”

Where’s the Whitesnake, the Winger? Where are the power ballads? “I’m-in-touch-with-my-feelings” rockers like Creed and Incubus could learn a thing or two by listening to a little Queensryche.

I want my rock with lots of synthesizers, thumping bass, uncomplicated drumming and loads of blazing guitar solos. If there’s one thing I learned about 80s music, it’s that there can never be too many guitar solos in one song. And I want my rockers wearing tight pants, big hair and belting out wailing, sing-along choruses.

Now, let’s move along to 80s movies. The year 1990 marked the death of the action movie. Let’s face it, the 80s had all the greatest action stars: Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren were all awesome.

However, the greatest action hero of all time is none other than Chuck Norris. No, I’m not talking about “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Chuck was at his prime in the mid-80s, sporting a full beard, wearing painfully tight jeans and destroying everything in his path. “Invasion U.S.A.” and “The Delta Force” are among his best films.

Chuck is the finest action star Hollywood has ever seen because he was an eight-time, undefeated world karate champion before he even started his movie career. So, unlike all the over-action stars, he actually could kick the crap out of anyone.

And who else could pull off lines like “It’s time to die” and “Sleep tight, sucker” better than Chuck? Now all we have to look forward to in action movies is Vin Diesel snowboarding down a big mountain, driving a fast car and defeating his enemies with a big subwoofer.

So, if you think that I’m a little bitter after reading this column – you’re right. However, it would be simple to appease me. Just bring back the power ballad, the cool cartoons, and give me another Chuck Norris action film. Is that too much to ask?

Nathan Webster is a senior journalism major and will rock you like a hurricane.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 21st, 2002, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.