Opinion

Insights on Turkey Day

Getting together with family and retarded nephews

By Travis Cowing

Posted on Nov. 21, 2002, at 12:00 a.m.

Soon it will be time to head home for Thanksgiving, which means two things for me: I get to see my family and I get to pig out. Actually, I don’t really enjoy the latter. Not because of the food but because I have to sit at the “kid’s table” with my little cousins and my retarded nephew Bert. Bert’s not that hard to handle, it’s just that he chews with his mouth open and he farts a lot.

Last year on Thanksgiving, Bert drew a picture of me. It was a stick man with a bald head and it said: “I love you Steve.” I have no idea who Steve is, but hey, I still love that little, flatulent, retarded bastard.

Anywho, enough about my holiday. What I’m trying to say is that you should all do something for Thanksgiving. Go see your family, go see your boyfriend, but whatever you do, go away from here. I have always found it helpful to put school on the back burner during vacations. My problem is that I tend to put school on the back burner during the semester.

Also, don’t forget what this season is all about. It’s about being with your family and, if you have no family, it’s about being with really cheap hookers. For me, I get the best of both worlds because a lot of women in my family are hookers. Oh sorry, gram. I forgot, you’re a “sexual care giver.”

My point is that the saying is true: time really does fly. I know that after a few years, holidays seem to blend together, but try hard to cherish them. I always try to do something to make each holiday for my family memorable. I won’t go into detail but getting naked and doing wheelies in your grandfather’s wheelchair can be pretty special.

This season is also about being thankful. Be thankful that the Pilgrims came and met the Indians, who taught the Pilgrims how to hunt and fish. Those same Indians, who helped the Pilgrims to survive harsh winters, were rudely jerked around by the lying white man, who promised them riches and only gave them blankets with smallpox in return.

Or let’s celebrate the fact my stepdad drinks like a fish and my niece is a hermaphrodite. Or let’s celebrate the fact that I hate my mother because when I was 16 she found my extensive collection of senior citizen porn. And let’s not forget my gram’s great turkey that smells like burnt ass hair and tastes like two month old poop. Not to mention I’m thankful that we have to mail my dad’s turkey dinner to him because he’s doing nickel at Thomaston Correctional.

Ah, the hell with it. Screw Thanksgiving. See you on New Years.

Travis Cowing eats turkey everyday so he doesn’t have to celebrate Thanksgiving.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 21st, 2002, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.