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Scene: Huddled in front of my living room TV, watching the 2004 National Basketball Association draft.
The NBA commissioner: “With the first pick in the 2004 NBA draft, the (insert terrible NBA team here) select Tommy Wilson, guard, from Middlebury Junior High School.”
TV announcer: “You know why I like this pick. Upside. The kid has tremendous upside.”
Another announcer: “He dominated the other seventh- graders he faced last season and hasn’t even hit his growth spurt yet.”
First announcer: “What a great pick! He’s got all the intangibles, plus he can read at a ninth-grade level, so you know he’s got the brains.”
Why are you getting this inside glimpse of the 2004 NBA draft? Well, because any moment now, my name will be called.
After seeing the 2003 draft, I figured it was finally time to declare myself eligible. I discussed the possibility with family, friends, mailmen, small children, trash barrels, street signs and other inanimate objects and decided to officially enter my name in the 2004 NBA draft.
Anyone who witnessed the 2003 draft knows anything is possible. Lebron “My mom gave me a Hummer” (By that I mean the SUV) James went No. 1 overall, right out of high school. A record 37 foreign players were drafted. Sixteen of them passed customs and played during the season. An old guy with a prosthetic leg and a lisp went 43rd overall. The Celtics, searching to find someone to replace Vin Baker’s productivity, drafted a coat hanger and a box of hair on consecutive picks.
That’s why this year’s draft is my chance. I got upside. I got upside coming out my ear. My next-door neighbor got drafted last year. Once she got off maternity leave, she dropped 14 points per game for the Suns. I used to beat her one-on-one in the driveway all the time (before she was pregnant, wise guy). Oh yeah, I got upside.
Looking at the teams in the league, I did not see one 5-foot-9-inch, white guy with bum knees who is built like the 73-year-old man who feeds ducks at the local pond. OK, maybe Steve Kerr is the exception, but there are still 28 other teams that could use me.
Now’s my chance. I trained hard all year. OK, I didn’t, but I watched a lot of games. All right, I didn’t do that either, but I did catch some NBA action while flipping between “The Osbournes” and “Joe Millionaire” (could you believe that last episode?).
Wait … hold on … the commisioner is coming up to the podium. This could be my big chance.
The commissioner: “And, with the second pick in the 2004 NBA Draft. The (insert awful team here) select . . . Prakash Heptulla, forward, from Kerala, India.”
Well, whatever. With my upside, baby, there’s always next year.
Bangor Daily News