The University of Maine student newspaper since 1875
Sunday, April 19, 11:08 p.m.

Screwing college kids

One sip at a time

Bring your condoms to the Coke machine. Let me tell you, there’s no coincidence that you bend over to pull out your bottle of cola. They want you to assume the position because every time you step up to the machine, you’re going to get f*cked in the ass. For anyone who hasn’t noticed, a 20 ounce bottle of soda now costs a ridiculous $1.25.

Forget about ATMs; you’ll soon see gun point holdups at your local Dasani machine because you have to be rich to use one. It’s only $.25 you say? Well, the pennies add up my friend, not to mention, it’s annoying to break the extra dollar bill.

If you spent eight months on this campus and purchased a bottle of sugar water from one of those evil machines near your BIO class every school day, you would spend about $200. $40 of that figure comes from the $.25 price hike.

$40 is a lot of dough to a starving college student who’s resorted to gagging down the Stewart Commons dumpster material on his plate. $40 is a whole weekend’s worth of binge drinking. It’s a semester of clean laundry. It’s an Olive Garden date with your sweetheart.

Isn’t it just like corporate America to stab a community of already poor, Wal-Mart shopping, holey sock wearing, cheap beer drinking college kids? Just picture that same table of executives at home, lounging in hot tubs, sipping the most expensive wines money can buy, while we’re forced to drink the yellowish water that comes out of the fountain your freshman neighbor just puked in. That Dasani looks real good, but you won’t catch me paying for that Mercedes-Benz Mr. Coke executive is driving.

I’m not a Pepsi fan by any means, but this recent move is driving me to travel seven miles to Shaw’s in order to stock up on things to drink.

Our university sold us out for $3 million. In 1999 UMaine entered a 10-year contract with Coca-Cola, making Coke the exclusive drink on campus. Now this Coke-opoly is taking effect.

Just think about it. Theoretically, if every student at this university were to purchase one Coke product at a campus vending machine every class day, Coke could slither away with more than $20 million in revenue in 10 years.

So while we struggle to pay the rent, can’t afford the cable or buy drinks on the weekend, some filthy-rich bastard is sitting in his plush leather chair, trying to put a dent in the life-time supply of Cuban cigars that this $.25-per-bottle of Coke raise bought him. Remember this fact when you select your drink at the union.

Coke can’t monopolize yellow tap water. I challenge myself and every other student on this campus to stand up to this $.25 raise. I challenge UMaine to avoid my soft drink of choice. I dare you to drink the Orono water, travel miles to buy Pepsi or Poland Spring to bring to class. For once, let’s take a campus-wide stand. If you choose to be one of the many who will continue to stand thirstily at the Coke machine … watch your butt.

Aaron Skilling is a junior advertising major