Opinion

‘Your balls are showing’

Wack-jobs just don't refer to your family members

By Travis Cowing

Posted on Sept. 18, 2003, at 12:00 a.m.

For the past couple of years, I have traditionally started each fall semester by writing a column about the dos and don’ts of going to college. So this year I have again decided to follow suit and give you some advice. However, to break up the monotony, I have decided to try something a little different. Below I have given you a few terms and their meanings: a dictionary if you will, to help boost your college vocabulary. Feel free to look them over and don’t worry – there won’t be a test after.

Nippleballer: A “nippleballer” is a guy who works out at Latti fitness center, or any other gym for that matter, and wears apparel that doesn’t cover his nipples and/or his scrotum. Meaning, if you wear tiny tank tops and teeny shorts, you’re a “nippleballer.” Don’t worry – if you wear spandex shorts to the gym, you’re not a nippleballer – you’re just a giant hard-on.

Beav-sneaker: This one applies to girls who work out wearing very tiny shorts. You’re not quite as bad as a nippleballer, but be advised: With every rep you do, guys are trying to catch a peek at your beaver. Note: I’m not talking about the animal that chews on wood and builds dams.

Close-Proximity Ass Kisser: or C-PAKs as I call them, sit right in the front row during every awful, boring lecture. A C-PAK always has a few dumb-ass questions for the professor, which makes the class go even longer than it should. C-PAKs never miss a class and they are rarely ever late. While you’re fighting off a hangover, C-PAKs feel “just great” because they “don’t ever drink.” So, if you decide to become a C-PAK yourself, just remember one thing: C-PAKs get good grades but everyone f*cking hates you.

Sportyscrewer: A sportyscrewer is a chick who will only have sex with athletes of UMaine. Meaning, if you don’t toss the pigskin or lace up ice skates, you can consider her pants sealed. Synonyms: Puck sluts, turf toys and dugout hoes.

Phone Jack-offs: A Phone Jack-off is a guy/girl who has a boyfriend/girlfriend living far, far away. He/she will not go out and have any fun because he/she feels the need to talk on the phone six hours every night. Phone Jack-offs say things like, “we’re going make this long distance thing work” or “she would never cheat on me.” Get a clue boys and girls. Meanwhile, she’s a freshman down at Clemson getting railed by every dude on the defensive line. It’s time you hung up that phone and went out and got yourself a piece of ass.

Jelly Shirts: This is a term I use for chicks who like to go out dancing or partying wearing a “belly shirt.” Belly shirts look very cute on a girl with a nice flat tummy, but there are more than a few girls out there who should have stopped wearing a belly shirt about 45 pounds ago. Listen honey – I’m proud of my gut too but I don’t parade it all over the damn town. So unless you plan to make a sandwich, put your jelly away.

Wack-jobs: This is a term used when a person masturbates in his/her roommates bed, usually because they have the only room with a DVD player. Example: When you go home for the weekend to do laundry, chances are very high that your roommate will pull a “wack-job.” Don’t laugh. It does happen.

There you have it kids: a few must know terms for higher education. Think of them as “Cliff’s Notes for College.” I have to be going because I have a date tonight with a sportyscrewer. I told her I was on a dodge ball scholarship. Hopefully I get lucky with her because I’m getting real tired of pulling “wack-jobs.”

Travis Cowing is looking into expanding his every day vocabulary by becoming a member of the Oxford-English Dictionary editing team.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 18th, 2003, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.