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Do you think Pauly Shore is funny? Is Fred Durst among your heroes? Do you have nothing to contribute to society? Yes? Well, I found a site you’d love, but you won’t get to find out about it because I don’t want people like you reading my column.
This is for the rest of us. Romp.com is so lame that I cringe at the amount of bandwidth its fans are sucking up by downloading its flash cartoons, which average three megabytes each. This site fails on so many levels that it’s hard to know where to begin.
In these flash cartoons you control Jake, the unholy spawn of Shore and Durst, in his cartoon quests to have sex with poorly drawn caricatures of women in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” format. He rhymes in almost every sentence, sort of like Roadblock from the old G. I. Joe cartoon, but with the same intonations as the aforementioned star of “Son in Law.”
In the classic clip “Mile High Club 2,” Jake eyes two women across the aisle in the airplane and uses the surefire pickup line, “Hey ladies, want to have my baaaaaybies?” Their response: “He’s funny – and cute.”
Don’t get me wrong; it’s not the misogyny I’m opposed to, but the inept way the misogyny is carried out. James Bond and Snoop Dogg have made an art out of treating women like objects. Jake is trying desperately to join their club, but in the end his little cartoons are barely up to par with “The Man Show.” I tried to be fair with Jake, who is also the site’s Web master. I went on about half a dozen adventures, having sex in airplanes with multiple women at once, and using several different drugs. I took off my thinking cap and lowered my standards. I tried to view the site ironically or as a parody, but it wasn’t funny in any context. It’s no wonder that, even in his cartoon fantasies, Jake has to offer women ecstasy before they’re interested.
Romp.com has changed the way I see the world. Compared to this, “In the Army Now” is actually somewhat funny. Remember when Pauly accidentally fired the rocket backwards? That was awesome. I’d almost support Patriot Act 2 if they added a provision banning this site. Romp.com is a very effective argument against free speech.
This site is a little funnier than comedian Andrew Dice Clay, but so is dying of cancer. Like Clay, Jake approaches sex from the perspective of a guy who learned everything he knows about it from skin magazines and Web sites. Snoop Dogg sounds like he’s coming from experience; Jake just saw Ron Jeremy do this stuff in a movie.
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