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umainedrunks.com
There’s a certain irony to how parents spend thousands of dollars on higher learning for their children, while the children spend their time at college drinking themselves stupid. If you define your college experience as a cycle of classes and vomiting, here’s the Web site that’s singing your song.
If the creators of UMaineDrunks.com had their way, college life would be just like a college movie, where every other facet of student life would take a back seat to drinking and sex. In fact, if anyone just yelled, “My life is already like that!” at the newspaper they’re holding, then they’re probably qualified to contribute to the Web site.
The page seems pointless at first glance. But although you can call UMaine drunks a lot of things, like alcoholics, but you can’t call them apathetic. A manifesto on the first page is a call to arms to protect their way of life.
“The students here have to stand up and do something on Friday night,” reads the first page.
The page complains that Public Safety “has become a training camp for fascists” because it cracked down on drinking, and the only way to fight them is to drink a lot of alcohol. When the page recommends drinking as a way to meet people, you realize that maybe they are doing a service to campus culture.
There is an interesting article correlating the crackdown on campus drinking with increased OUI arrests because students go to people’s apartments to drink. There is no evidence yet, but UMaine Drunks promise some hard numbers are on the way. Of course, it’s hard to take all that seriously when the site suggests that unprotected sex and grabbing the breasts of “a girl that is way out of your league” are smart moves.
Then, there’s the comedy. The “news” section is a list of “You know you go to UMaine if” jokes. Sometimes they strike gold, but most are obviously the product of wanting to write a lot of jokes.
“You run into people you know at Wal-Mart,” reads one.
Never mind that you could fly to Omaha right now, visit the nearest Wal-Mart, and see someone you know. Here, in Maine, this occurrence is obviously just because you’re a UMaine student.
“Your next door neighbors are computer geek anti-social shut-ins who never leave their room,” reads another.
“Your RA is gay as hell and proud of it,” says the worst.
If you’re trying to figure out who these people are, here’s a hint: they’re from a small Maine town and this is their first time in civilization.
Ripping off Jeff Foxworthy doesn’t always end in a train wreck, though. Great jokes about Bananas the Bear, the Drunk Bus and horse rapists are actually about UMaine and there are some hilarious observations. A little cutting would do wonders.
There are additional sections, including the growing section of pictures of drunk students that will undoubtedly get old fast, and a few yet-to-be completed links about other drunk ramblings.
The best way to sum up UMaine Drunks is to quote a post on the message board, responding to a picture of a guy throwing up: “I wish I knew that guy.” We all have heroes, and the writers of UMaineDrunks.com will soon be heroes to a large portion of UMaine students.
Bangor Daily News