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Witter donates livestock for experimental research

By Jacquelyn Farwell

Posted on Thursday, April 1st, 2004, 12:00 am

The following is a satirical article that was published in the April Fool’s edition of the newspaper.

In a groundbreaking new collaboration, the University of Maine’s biology department will conduct research at Witter Farm in an effort to test the effects of a new drug.

“Basically, we needed some test subjects and the cows and horses were right here,” said William Englehart, a biology professor who is conducting the study. “We’re very glad, and a little surprised, that the folks here at Witter have been so cooperative.”

While Englehart has declined to share details of the study or the new drug being tested, citing concerns about “experiment contamination,” Witter employees remain excited about the barn’s new visitors.

“We’re really happy to be able to help out another department like this,” said Sandy Stewart, a first-year animal sciences major and Witter employee. “I’m sure Angus, that’s my cow, will be really great. He’s so good with people, and I heard this new drug they’re testing is for little kids who have cancer, so it’s for a really great cause.”

Englehart wouldn’t confirm the rumor, saying only, “Oh man, we would have loved to test this on kids. But they have laws about those things.”

Englehart has been with UMaine’s biology department since 2000, having previously worked in the commercial sector for companies including Revlon cosmetics and Elmer’s Glue. He was recently awarded the university’s “Excellence in Experimental Research” distinction for his work with area homeless, an honor that was well deserved, according the UMaine President Peter S. Hoff.

“Dr. Englehart’s research has led to some great learning opportunities at the University of Maine, and his new project will really make some progress in streamlining the Witter Farm animal population,” Hoff said. “I’m confident it will bring in significant corporate donations that may be used for a new scholarship fund for low-income students, or maybe another building or some hockey uniforms.”

Biology students visited the farm Tuesday and began setting up equipment, including petri dishes, syringes and shovels, which the students used to dig large holes in a nearby field.

“The holes are for the bodies,” said second-year biology student Jenny Harrison. “I mean the antibodies, we have to store them in a cool, dry place.”

Sarah Strout, a third-year animal sciences major, stood with her horse while the biology students set up some electrical equipment.

“I don’t know much about science, but they look like they know what they’re doing. I just wish they would let us observe the testing, but they said it’s against the scientific method or something,” Strout said. “I just hope Pockets behaves himself, he doesn’t like strangers. Do you Pockets?”

All Witter employees and media representatives were asked to leave the farm before testing began Tuesday.

“We really can’t afford to compromise the testing,” Englehart said. “It’s really a matter of particulate contaminatory flagella, with a probability of microbacterial photosynthetic mitochondriatic amoebas. So I’ll have to ask everyone to leave.”