What about Bob?

Portland's stand-up comic Bob Marley on masturbation, married life and Maine

By Rachel Krautkremer

Posted on Oct. 18, 2004, at 12:00 a.m.

Being a Red Sox fan is like living with an alcoholic. Every morning you wake up and think, maybe today will be better.”

These words of wisdom come from Bob Marley, a comedian whose act at the Maine Center for the Arts this Saturday evening was well worth missing the Red Sox game. His blend of Maine and biographical humor was a hit among the crowd, which ranged from college students to drunken locals.

Originally from Portland, Marley began performing stand-up comedy in his hometown before moving to Boston, where insights about life in New England helped launch his career. Since then he has appeared on Comedy Central and on late-night talk shows with Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien, to name a few. He has also branched into the film world, co-starring in “The Boondock Saints” and “Liar’s Club.”

This Saturday, the Maine Center for the Arts audience got to see him off the screen and on the stage in two back-to-back, energetic performances.

Marley warmed up with personal anecdotes about married life, explaining the difficulties of going out to dinner with his wife, who takes ages to order and always ends up eating his dessert. At one point he decided that people get married to “get fat together and die.”

A couple, perhaps in their 60s, who sat in front of me and reeked of whiskey got a kick out of this one.

He also recounted the joys of parenthood, such as the trick-or-treating incident where his 3-year-old daughter “pooped in her $78.95 Pocahontas costume from the Disney Store.”

Marley’s take on getting caught masturbating and being constipated because of the Atkins diet was a hit among the crowd, but the clear favorite came towards the end of the act when he described the follies of drinking in Maine. He explained that people from out of state go to bars or clubs to drink, but that real Mainers just bring a keg to the woods and drink out of plastic cups. Then the boys start getting rowdy and unruly, and the girls have to decide which fine specimen to pick.

He warned ladies from out of state not to trust Maine guys.

“They look like nice guys on the outside, but on the inside, they’re pure demon. You will never hear a guy in Maine recap his evening with a nice lady like this: ‘Oh my gosh, I’m so lucky. I was staring at her from across the library and was immediately attracted to her inner beauty – I took her dancing and I think she’s my soul mate. I held her all night and was going to kiss her, but I didn’t want to ruin it.’ Bullshit! Here’s what you hear from a guy in Maine: ‘I put the boots to her, dude!’”

Opening for Marley was George Hamm, who had a coarser style but shared Marley’s sense of humor about life in Maine. One segment of his act was dedicated to Dysart’s jeopardy.

“What’s a phrase you’ll never hear at Dysart’s? Answer: Hey, check out that good-looking waitress over there,” he said.

Both acts were a success. The audience left with a new appreciation for what it means to be a Mainer, and were ready to go drink a keg in the woods.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 18th, 2004, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.