Scary movies you won’t want to sink your teeth into this Halloween

By Derek Francis

Posted on Oct. 21, 2004, at 12:00 a.m.

It’s here – free-flowing booze, girls in non-existent costumes and even that orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut. The most wonderful time of the year is upon us. Screw Christmas, Halloween is where it’s at.

As we approach All Hallows Eve, it also means it’s time to fire up the DVD player and commence the horror movie marathons. Nothing goes with an ice-cold Rolling Rock like some hard-core scares.

However, for every “Nightmare on Elm Street” there is always a “Bless the Child” to poo all over it. Last year, I dropped a list of must-see horror movies. I could go the obvious route and make more recommendations, but I think people need to know what not to rent. When you have seen as many horror movies as I have, then you have sifted through a lot of crap. It is my job to make sure you don’t have to endure the real stinkers. So, following are five of the worst main-stream horror movies ever made.

5. ” Th13teen Ghosts” (2001) – Dark Castle made a decent debut movie with “House on Haunted Hill,” but this follow-up effort is simply horrendous. Stop telling me it is scary. It isn’t. Any time I discuss horror movies with a large group of people, some genius has to point out how scary they thought this movie was. The only thing scary about “Th13teen Ghosts” is Shannon Elizabeth’s acting. Groovy ghost make-up isn’t a substitute complete lack of substance or scares for that matter.

4. “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (1997) – “Scream” creator, Kevin Williamson, decided to cash in on his questionable success and thus started a painful trend of bad teenie-bopper slasher flicks. The “Scream” trilogy was parody, folks; it was a tongue-in-cheek approach to slasher movies. “I Know What You Did” took a good thing like “Scream” and brought it in a completely incorrect direction, missing the point entirely. A chain reaction began that nearly drove the genre into the ground.

3. “The Ninth Gate” (1999) – What happened? For the first half-hour or so I was totally digging this Johnny Depp joint like it was a six-armed hooker with a clean bill of health. Then things took a horrible turn. Before I knew it, this car was out of control and things got worse and worse. Roman Polanski needs to stay away from underage girls and concentrate on making a good horror movie. I guess they can’t all be “Rosemary’s Baby.”

2. “The Forsaken” (2001) – There are tons of vampire movies that are worthy of at least a rental. Unfortunately, there are just as many that ooze with suckitude. This “Near Dark” rip-off not only stinks, but its nauseating, quick-cut editing nearly induced epileptic seizures. The beautiful Izabella Miko was naked for about 75 percent of the movie and it still ranks as the single worst big-budget vampire movie I have ever seen. Definitely steer clear of this one.

1. “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan” (1989) – There are a lot of bad horror sequels. I could probably fill a dozen lists with them, but this one takes the cake. The “Friday the 13th” series is without a doubt my favorite horror series; maybe any movie series. The formulaic plot, the cheap scares, the gory kills – and let’s not forget the ample T&A – all add up to Grade A, cheesy horror entertainment. However, “Jason Takes Manhattan” does not possess any of the things I just mentioned. Director Rob Hedden even made some bizarre attempt to add psychoanalysis into an inane subplot. Please, stop. “Freud vs. Jason” is not what anyone wants to see. This should not stop you, though, from running out and buying the new “Friday the 13th” box set.

I could keep going, but hopefully this will help spare you a few wasted dollars. DVD rentals aren’t all that cheap, after all. Bad horror movies are about as common as a “C” on my mid-terms. So, don’t let a crappy horror movie make you its next victim.

Your local video rental store is full of horror movies that are so bad they make “Scream” look like an Academy Award winner. Here are a list of other bad horror movies that you should avoid at all costs this Halloween season. Buy some candy for trick or treaters instead; maybe they won’t toilet paper your house.

* Leprechaun in the Hood

* Critters 4: They’re Invading your Space

* Monkey Shines

* Silent Night Deadly Night

* Dreamcatcher

* Jack Frost

* Dr. Giggles

* The Tommyknockers

* A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

* Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 21st, 2004, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.