I’m sure many of you out there are looking forward to turkey day. It’s nice to see family and friends and to catch up on old times, not to mention the food. Most of you will enjoy turkey, stuffing and a big, fat slice of pie. This year I want you all to do me a favor. When you are sitting there eating your delicious food and chatting with your excellent family, I want you to think about me. Think about me because just as you’re finishing your delectable apple pie, I will be beating the ever-loving shit out of my moronic family.

Let me give you the 411 on last year’s Cowing family Thanksgiving. I arrived at my grandmother’s house and 75 percent of my family was utterly shit-faced. My mom had started hitting the Jack Daniels at 10:30 a.m. Apparently mom also felt the need to make it a Mardi Gras Thanksgiving because she kept whipping her boobs out for my niece’s 19-year old boyfriend – the same boyfriend who tattooed “shit happens” on his neck and who informed me he just got out of the pen’. My grandfather was in a haze because six weeks earlier the government had deemed it necessary to give him medical marijuana. Well, the marijuana may have been government- issued but I’m pretty sure the bong he was using wasn’t. And my niece is the bearded lady in the circus. It’s not really that big of a deal – the only bad thing is that she helps cook all the food. I usually find enough hair in my food to make a small toupee, not to mention last year I had to cut the turkey because dad and my uncle were in the living room lighting their farts.

While all this is going on, I sometimes look down at that cooked turkey, envying it because it doesn’t have to deal with this shit. Then I look at that big, sharp knife and wonder how many family members I could off before the rest of them wrestled me to the ground. Then I dream about being in court for multiple homicide. Hey, if I could show the jury a videotape of my Thanksgiving they would probably let me go scot-free.

To make matters worse, when we do finally sit down to eat, I get stuck sitting at the kiddie table because the tykes want me to tell them dirty jokes. It’s a pretty good gig because three out of five of them are retarded, so I don’t have to have great material. I just have to say “poop” a lot. I like all of my little nephews, except 8-year-old Danny. Danny is a weird little bastard who has a knack for asking me the most off-the-wall questions. Last year, Danny asked me if he thought he was gay because he stuck a popsicle up his ass.

So when you’re having fun this Thanksgiving, think of me. And if your turkey day is going badly, just take solace in the fact it’s not as bad as the one I’m enduring. But hey, who knows – maybe this year grandpa will share his weed and maybe my niece has shaved her beard. Ah hell – it’s probably just wishful thinking. Well I gotta go because I can hear that phone ringing already. Gobble freaking gobble. Thanks for nothing, pilgrims.

Travis Cowing is a demented individual with serious issues.

In a string of rulings intended purely to protect Republican leadership and strengthen the new crop of arriving Republicans, Congress and the Senate have shown their intentions not to be a united house but a solely conservative-run one.

The move to maintain control begins with the House Republican committee’s decision to rescind its own party rule of the past 11 years requiring party leaders indicted on felony charges to temporarily step down. The rule, originally created to highlight Democratic misconduct, was threatening to endanger current Majority Leader Tom Delay, R-Texas.

Delay has not at this time been indicted on any charges but is under increased scrutiny for the part he played in corporate monies being secured for the Texas redistricting campaign in 2001. The Texas redistricting campaign was intended to secure the redistricting of Texas six years earlier than intended, potentially garnering six more seats for Republicans. It succeeded in 2003.

Texas rules strictly prohibit the use of corporate funds in campaigns, but during the federal investigation of e-mails between Enron and Delay, representatives showed evidence of attempts by Delay to gain corporate funding for the effort.

The Washington Post recently quoted Delay as asking for “‘a combination of corporate and personal money from Enron’s executives,’ with the understanding that it would be partly spent on ‘the redistricting effort in Texas.’”

With the success of the redistricting of Texas, Republicans gained four of the five potential seats. The Supreme Court in its ruling on the legality of the proceedings sided with Democrats, mandating the district court to re-examine its upholding of the redistricting results. Though they were a step forward for Democrats, the district court’s ultimate findings will have no bearing on the Texas Congressional election results but could rescind the newly designated districts for future elections.

This brings us to the second major change of the week: Senate Republicans voted to allow Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist the power to give committee assignments regardless of seniority. This inter-party move would allow Frist to discipline long-time Republican senators for failing to adhere to party lines or for being too centrist, while also allowing him to place newly arrived conservative senators in extremely powerful committee positions.

With no form of checks and balances, such as a Democratic House, Senate or president, we are rapidly moving toward a point where a conservative agenda is the American agenda, and GOP hard-liners now stand where centrist Republicans who moderated against the aggressive propositions once stood. Our government is streamlining itself for what seems like a potentially monumental swing in every aspect of its governance.

With these new changes to party rules, Republicans have aligned themselves to maintain power while at the same time increasing their scope of influence in other arenas. While we were told this would create a more united country, it seems it will only be a more partisan one. With those in power steadily making moves to secure their conservative agenda, the next four years will prove to be a very interesting and seemingly one-sided time on Capitol Hill.

Nate Katz is a senior broadcast journalism major.

While feigning the appearance of aloof, detached objectivity, Hartwell somehow manages to commit a gross misrepresentation, egregious omission and simple fabrication – all in a single article dripping with redundancy and excessive cliche analogies. I can certainly understand the appearance of these items in a 30-minute justification for a nation going to war, but in a 30-second article about comics?

I shall leave aside his almost embarrassingly poor sense of humor and ignore the more subjective criticism and stick to the more concrete ways in which he broke the readers’ trust. Before I begin, I would like to bring up a simple point of information. In his article, he fails to mention that “Campus Kid,” “Kip” and “Tag and Shammy” are all created by students here at the University of Maine. “The K Chronicles” is a nationally syndicated professional comic.

Gross misrepresentation: “When asked to give advice to aspiring cartoonist, Keith Knight of ‘The K Chronicles’ said, ‘Quit now, before it’s too late … we cartoonists get paid squat for the work we do. If you’re in it for the money, you’re in for a big surprise. Good luck.”‘

Problem: The part Hartwell glossed over – the ” … ” – was Keith Knight’s actual response after an initial joke. “Don’t quit. Use rejection as motivation. Use criticism constructively. Success will come if you can manage to stick it out.” It wouldn’t be any less honest for Hartwell to have said that Keith Knight said that he hates minorities.

Egregious omission: Hartwell writes, “When asked to give advice to aspiring cartoonists, Keith Knight of ‘The K Chronicles’ said ….”

Problem: Perhaps you’re confused about my source of the misrepresentation. How could I be privy to Hartwell’s exclusive correspondence with Keith Knight? Because there wasn’t an interview. Hartwell read Knight’s FAQ on his Web site and then rewrote it into an interview format. A more appropriate phrase would be: “When I read off the online ‘K Chronicles’ FAQ it says…”

I’m not saying that Hartwell deserves to be banned from further publication in The Maine Campus for the year due to such a gross lapse of any journalistic standards. My goal is not to defend our comics, because nobody can convince someone that something is funny, but as a reminder to demand better, be it the New York Times or The Maine Campus. Hartwell, keep it up. At this rate you’ll have a nice job waiting for you with FOX News or the New York Post. If you’re lucky, you might even be able to give Rupert Murdoch his daily rubdown.

Ryan Stitham is a junior economics and psychology major.

I must say that I cringed for a moment upon glancing at the front page of the Nov. 15 edition of The Maine Campus. This was due to the fact that prominently above the fold, there was a photograph for the article “Sculpture finds new, more visible home on campus” of two civil engineering students in an obviously precarious, construction-type setting with virtually no safety gear.

Having worked a few summers in construction myself, I know the situation when a heavy, off-balance object’s stability is in question.

” I just don’t know if it’s going to hold well [on the move],” Potts said. And regarding a piece of heavy machinery, he said, “the piece was successfully moved using a lull.”

At very minimum, the site should have been taped off and those inside the site should have been required to wear both a hardhat and safety glasses.

The Occupational Safety & Health Administration is fairly specific regarding the use of such safety equipment with respect to employed construction workers [1]:

1926.100(a)

Employees working in areas where there is a possible danger of head injury from impact, or from falling or flying objects, or from electrical shock and burns, shall be protected by protective helmets.

1926.102(a)(1)

Employees shall be provided with eye and face protection equipment when machines or operations present potential eye or face injury from physical, chemical or radiation agents.

As I recall, viewing from a nearby East Annex window, both the Sullivan and Merritt operator and foreman were at least wearing hardhats. Should not these students be subject – morally if not legally – to the same regulations? Is there no such safety equipment available to students who wish to contribute in the name of the university in such an activity? Does the civil engineering department not include job site safety as part of its curriculum? It just seems to me that these students, either beknownst or unbeknownst to themselves, were placed in situation involving an imminent danger to themselves and that we all should be thankful that this story did not end up having a very different headline.

Jeffrey Bush

The Maine Campus reader

Someone on Senior Council, the group that decides what the gift to the university from the senior class will be, was thinking. One of them knew that the gift couldn’t stop at some useless, sentimental token of our appreciation of our alma mater. One of them knew that the perfect senior gift would be a combination of form and function, and because of that person, we can all be proud of what the senior class is leaving the university to remember it by.

Part of the money raised will go to prettifying the Bear’s Den. With the rest of the money, a scholarship fund of $5,000 will be set up- a gift that will benefit the university in nonsuperficial way. This award will be given to a University of Maine student based on financial need, and it will set an example for future graduating classes to continue the tradition. The choice of this gift speaks volumes to the value the senior class places on the students of the university. While they could have spent the students’ hard-earned money on a grandiose clock or a self-indulgent plaque, they are sending the students’ money back to the students. What a truly honorable gesture by the Class of 2005.

Proposed system fits the bill

Hats off to Kelly Estremera, the newly hired pharmacist at Cutler Health Center, who plans to institute third-party billing at Cutler’s pharmacy. Under this new system, the pharmacy would directly bill insurance companies instead of forcing students to pay for their medications in full and then getting reimbursed.

With Cutler’s current system, students must pay up-front for their medication and then must wait for Cutler to send them a bill, which they have to send along to their insurance company. It can take months to receive this reimbursement, and for college students, this is much-needed money.

While these plans are only tentative, we encourage Estremera and Cutler Health Center to fully develop and implement the idea. It will make visiting the Cutler pharmacy less of a hassle and a little easier on the wallet.

Of course with every new restaurant in Bangor, half the city has to try it on the same night. As I pushed through the crowds of people waiting in line for a table, I thanked God for being a party of one who is over 21: There was an empty seat at the bar.

Despite how busy it was, I was welcomed right when I sat beneath the huge TVs. My first impression of Smokey Bones was that it’s the loudest and most visually busy restaurant I have ever seen. Aside from the campy, outdoorsy memorabilia, you can’t look anywhere without seeing at least three sports games going on at the same time. Each table has its own individual “sound box,” where you can connect to a TV and listen in. I settled into a comfortable position where I could stare at some college football game.

My Bailey’s on the rocks was a decent $4.50, and I went ahead and ordered a buffalo burger – yes, I said buffalo – and fries. It was a busy night, so I prepared myself for a little waiting on the food.

To my pleasure, I was treated kindly by the bartenders. They took the time to introduce themselves and ask about my stories. It was nice to see a wait staff that takes a little bit of time to get to know you.

If you like a real deep-fried barbecue meal, try this place out. Their specialties are pulled-pork sandwiches, fried catfish and, of course, ribs. The food was reasonably priced – my burger was only $7.99 – and what a mighty burger it was. At a third of a pound, it was not too big but not small either. Lean buffalo meat on a bulky roll with cheddar cheese and all the dressings, and a good-sized portion of crispy fries. All that for $8 was pretty good. My entire bill came out to $13 with the alcohol added on, which, as we college drinkers know, is a great deal.

If you’re in the mood for a change or if you miss the barbecue days of summer, go to Smokey Bones and have a burger. Despite the fact that it’s a chain, it’s a turn from the rest of the mall’s selection. But just remember that it’s not the place to go if you want peace and quiet. There’s no romance, there’s no dim lighting, there’s no gourmet selection. This is the place to go if you want to catch the game with your friends, chow down on a juicy burger and throw back a beer.

The Oakes Room is located on the first floor of the library. It’s an adorable little coffee-house style place to study, drink coffee and munch. Their selection of baked goods is terrific – everything from those awesome bagels to muffins, breakfast breads – try the pumpkin chip – and scones. I have yet to purchase a baked good, bagel or otherwise, that was not scrumptious and fresh. In addition to the baked goods, their selection of coffee is much wider than in Memorial Union. You can get everything from chai to flavored coffee to specialty drinks. And it’s always fresh – they sell so much of it that it tends not to sit in the pots very long. Never expect stale coffee there.

The atmosphere of the Oakes Room is very diverse, just like the people the room attracts. Since it is a part of the library, it’s a great deal quieter than the Union and is a great place to go study. Most of the patrons settle in at one of the tables or in the squishy leather couches and chairs lining the walls, either working away on a laptop or read. But that’s not all it’s good for. Study groups often meet in the Oakes Room, taking advantage of its lack of noise restrictions to comfortably discuss their impending tests, projects or homework assignments. In fact, it seems to be quite the popular meeting place for writers and for foreign language students. You can often see people writing at a table, or in a corner, observing the room’s occupants from time to time, and there are usually two or more languages being spoken there at any given time.

If you or someone you know is looking for a place to study, read, hang out or just to sit and drink coffee and eat a bagel, head over to the Oakes Room sometime, and see what special flavor of coffee the girls are serving that day. They always provide friendly service, and there are even a couple of cute guys working behind the counter for those single females out there in search of a man who knows the difference between a mocha latte and an espresso shot.

So, if you’re a student looking for a place to drag your work group where you can access enough coffee to stay awake, or you’re just another bagel snob like me, I wholeheartedly encourage you to walk into the library. If you’ve never been there, it’s the really big building at the south end of the mall, and find the Oakes Room. You’ll find yourself with a fabulous cup of joe and a good place to lounge in no time.

Officials ended the game and immediately the incident popped up on televisions all over America as breaking news. Devoid of baseball, hockey, and any worthy college action, the major sports networks pounced on this story and provided hours of live coverage and analysis. Some said it was the biggest black eye in the history of the NBA, and an incident the league would never recover from. Others suggested that the fans were to blame and that players were merely defending themselves.

While it was Wallace that started the fracas by shoving him, Ron Artest lost control when he went into the stands. Part of being a professional athlete is dealing with heckling from hostile crowds. The Detroit crowd didn’t roll out the red carpet for Larry Bird in the 80′s, but he never charged the stands, nor did any other respectable NBA player in history. The suggestion that 6’7”, 250 pound Artest felt physically threatened by middle-aged, overweight basketball fans and needed to defend himself is ludicrous.

What’s more disturbing is that nothing clicked inside Jackson or Artest’s brains as to why they were making their way into the crowd with the intent of starting a brawl. One of two grown men ought to have known that they had no business throwing it down with the civilians. Young men who are supposed to be role models should know better than to conduct themselves like common street thugs.

The incident is merely the latest on Artest’s rap sheet. He’s been suspended by the league a dozen times for various offenses and was in the news last week for requested two months off to promote an R&B album he produced. He’s going to get that vacation now as he, Jackson, Pacer Jermaine O’Neal and Wallace have been suspended indefinitely pending an investigation of the incident.

The truth is that the brawl isn’t the biggest black eye the NBA has ever seen and that the league will continue to prosper. But that doesn’t excuse what Artest and friends did and they should be punished severely for it. Wallace will likely be suspended one or two games for his role and the same goes for O’Neal. No one is quite sure what will happen to Artest and Jackson but the thought here is suspensions of at least ten games, maybe more.

The NBA is taking on an image as a home to overprivleged, drafted out of high school brats who think they can do whatever they want because they can shoot a basketball. Artest has fostered that image throughout his career. Athletes should never engage in that sort of behavior, and the league needs to send a message that it is completely unacceptable. Throw the book at him.

Senior day is a day of goodbyes. Saying goodbye to two-a-days. Saying goodbye to 6 am conditioning. Saying goodbye to the long bus rides. Saying goodbye to the grueling workouts. Saying goodbye to all those bags of ice. Saying goodbye to the coaches, the locker room, the field. And maybe most importantly, saying goodbye to all your teammates. You may still stay friends with them but you will never be teammates again.

This year’s senior football class is arguably the best to ever come through the program. Over the last four years these seniors have been posted a 32-16 record, made two trips to the Division 1-AA quarterfinals, losing in 2001 to Northern Iowa and in 2002 losing to Georgia Southern, and in a monumental game in Starkville, Mississippi the Black Bears defeated Mississippi State 9-7. Most college athletes never get the chance to accomplish any one of those four feats.

As this group of seniors’ graduate, I’d like to look back on some of the individual accomplishments these athletes have achieved during their UMaine careers. On the offensive side of the ball, UMaine will be losing Mike Leconte, Mark Lehner, Ivi Nwosu, Christian Pereira and Marcus Williams. Leconte has played in all Black Bear games from 2001-2003, making starts at guard, tackle and center during those years. In 2003, Lehner appeared in all 11 games on the line, while starting the final six at right guard. Over the past four seasons Nwosu has been used at wide receiver, gaining 318 yards. Nwosu hauled in his first touchdown of the year versus Northeastern on homecoming weekend.

Another one of UMaine’s strong receiving core, Christian Pereira has enjoyed large amounts of success while playing at the University. In 2003 Christian caught 52 passes for 820 yards, and prior to the game versus UNH this year, had 52 catches for 770 yards for the 2004 campaign. Lastly, definitely not least, Williams played in his final game for the Black Bears on Sunday, and its fair to say there may never be another player like Marcus Williams ever to step foot on campus. In the past three 1000 yard plus seasons, Williams has twice been nominated as a finalist for the Walter Payton Award and in 2003 was named a New England Football Writers 1-AA All Star. The defensive and special teams’ units will also be losing some key components of their recently successful teams. John Baumgartner, Rob Brooks, Devon Goree, James Henry, Brandon McGowan, Mike Mellow, Pat Pau, Agean Robinson and Marcus Walton will all be graduating from the team this season. In 2003, Baumgartner picked off his first career interception versus Florida International, and added two more interceptions this season. Rob Brooks has been on the line for Maine in every game over the past two seasons, and in 2003 was named UMaine’s Special Teams Player of the Year. Although Goree sat out 2003 with an injury, he rebounded with a strong 2004, with one interception and one fumble return, to add to his other seven career interceptions. Henry, a converted defensive back from running back, had a successful 2004 season with 9 solo tackles, and 1 forced fumble, after running for 285 yards in 2002. McGowan has been the anchor of the secondary for the past three years, recording 94 tackles in 2002, 85 in 2003, and 87 tackles so far in 2004. McGowan was named Second Team All Atlantic 10 and a member of the New England Football Writers 1-AA All Star Team. For the past four years Mellow has been responsible for Maine’s kicking and punting duties, and in 2004 .

The past four years have definitely flown by for this year’s graduating class, and I’m sure they have all enjoyed their stay at the University of Maine, while giving all the fans a good reason to cheer on weekends in the fall.

On Friday, nearly eight months removed from their epic battle with Coppenrath, UMaine began their quest to avenge last season’s heartbreaking defeat with a trip to Chestnut Hill to face off against the heavily favored Boston College Eagles. Led by the sharp shooting Kevin Reed and the talented Ernest Turner the Black Bears nearly pulled off the surprising upset falling 72-58 in their opening game of the season. In a game that played out a lot closer then what the final score reveals, UMaine saw a late BC run douse any hope of a memorable finish in Beantown.

The Eagles Jared Dudley recorded a game-high 23 points en route to the victory. For the Black Bears, Turner finished the decision with a team-high 18 points, while garnering five assists along the way in his UMaine debut. Turner transferred from Unversity of Nevada-Las Vegas last season.

For UMaine, the match also marked the start of the Ted Woodward era. Woodward, who replaced former head coach Dr. John Giannini earlier this year, saw his veteran squad enter halftime down by one point to the Eagles. Even more impressive, the Black Bears narrowly trailed BC by three points with 4:09 remaining in the match.

From the start of the first whistle, it was clear the Black Bears were prepared to contend. UMaine opened the half with an early 10-4 advantage. Reed, serving as the catalyst for the early run, drained back-to-back during the offensive assault. The Eagles were able to pull even at 8:36 of the half, behind the dynamic play of Dudley. Both teams exchanged leads for the remainder of the half with the Eagles carrying a 35-34 advantage into the locker room.

UMaine left the half shooting 13-of-26 from the field, while BC connected on 15-of-29 shots. For both squads, the half was highlighted by above average shooting that saw the Black Bears shoot 50.8 percent from the field. The Eagles shot 51.7 percent on the half.

The second half continued to play out similar to the first, with both squads exchanging leads in the opening 10 minutes. BC finally built a comfortable eight point cushion halfway through the half after two pivotal back-to-back layups by Dudley and Sean Williams. With the Eagles holding their largest lead of the match, UMaine staged a dramatic comeback on the heels of two Turner tallies. The Black Bears answered with Turner banking a deep three-point from the right side of the court followed by an easy layup.

UMaine continued to cut away at the Eagle advantage when Mark Flavin scored on a tip-in off a missed shot, with 4:09 remaining in the contest. The basket which pushed the Black Bears to within 58-55, was the closest the Black Bears would get. BC then returned with an exciting 14-3 run to close the match. It was a run mainly executed from the free throw line, with the Eagles recording nine of those 14 points on the free throw line.

The game also exposed the reliable play of Kevin Reed, who sparked an early Black Bear advantage in the opening half. Reed closed the decision with 11 points. Chris Markwood and Jermaine Jackson, recorded nine and eight points, respectively on the evening.

UMaine finished the decision shooting 40.4 percent from the field, while the Eagles ended the match shooting 51.0 percent. Boston College also carried the advantage in the rebounding department hauling 33 in rebounds to UMaine’s 31.

With the win, BC improved to 1-0 on the year.

The Black Bears will look to rebound from the early defeat at 7 p.mMonday when they host Bethune Cookman College in Portland.