First of all, I’m getting real sick of being shot down by young college broads just because they were popular in high school. Last week a girl told me she didn’t want to go out with me because I wasn’t cool enough for her. She proceeded to tell me how she was the “most popular girl at Bangor High last year.” Really? And you’re bragging about that? In my opinion, nobody should be gloating about being from Bangor. The place absolutely blows. The only reason they named it “Bangor” was because the name “Asshole” was already taken. In fact, when I go to the proctologist I tell him to go easy on my “Bangor”.

And can we please do something about these giant hard-ons that prance around in their sandals with socks on? This irks me to no end. Besides, you shouldn’t be wearing sandals anyway. There are two types of people who wear sandals: People at the beach and douche bags.

And don’t even get me started on people who buy presents for their pet. Get a life, you bunch of weasels. For example, my gram doesn’t buy me shit for Christmas. However, her turd-eating dog has a bigger wardrobe than Puff Daddy. This Christmas, Gram bought her collie a sweater that cost 55 damn dollars. Hey, at least the dog looks trendy while it’s licking its own ass.

I’m also getting real fed up with all the bracelets every “hip” peckerhead is wearing. Yeah, we get it – you support Lance Armstrong and his one testicle. Sorry to inform you, but he only needs one. And it’s not like he saves lives or anything. The dude rides a bike – big deal. If you want me to slice off a nut and ride a tricycle for a couple of miles I will; I’ve got time.

Not to mention, I’ve been getting real angry with my own body as of late. Why is it that after 20 or 30 shots of Jager my mind seems to go to bed at 2 a.m. while the rest of me stays up drinking until 6 a.m.? I wake up with piss on myself and my clothes are ripped like David Banner. Last week I woke up in some random house beside some random girl that looked like Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister. I think we hooked up but I’m not sure. All I know is the sex must have been kinky because my “Bangor” was sore as hell.

Travis Cowing is a man bound only by his own limitations and imagination.

One thing has remained the same, one thing that will surely remain unchanged for ages to come: Americans’ incessant pseudo-patriotism. We have all participated in, or at least witnessed, such jingoistic hogwash, whether conscious of it or not. Consider the uneasy months following Sept. 11: All of a sudden, the country remembered it had a flag, and if your house didn’t have one scotch-taped to the front window, you were unpatriotic.

The same amazing putting aside of differences came with the news of the prison abuse scandal last year: What was once a country undeniably divided was however briefly a country united in the common bond of freedom, humanity and goodwill toward all. Of course, that sense of unity soon dissipated, as more important events crowded the pages of our newspapers, such as the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series.

Since then, a new trend has gained popularity, one that marks the unbearable zenith of America’s masked chauvinism, and it’s available at any gas station across the country. Now, peppered among the cars and SUVs of the country’s roadways is a perpetual barrage of yellow magnetic ribbons, donning the impressively beside-the-point command, “Support Our Troops.” Some have relegated yellow for the even more oppressive flag design.

What strikes me as inappropriate about the “Support Our Troops” stick-on emblems of xenophobia is not the idea of championing the efforts of this nation’s defense system – what is a defense system without support? What does irk me is that many people are confused have about who they claim to support and what a magnetic ribbon says.

There is a difference between supporting our troops and supporting our war, and I see no reason to announce to the world that I support our troops: Who doesn’t? What these magnetic nationalistic symbols say is “I think the war in Iraq is ethically sound, and I feel the need to make clear my approval by temporarily affixing a mark of such patriotism to my mode of transportation. I know that affixing this mark makes no real difference in the world at all, but it helps nevertheless to placate my fear of being perceived as uncaring. Besides, it’s not a sticker, so it can easily be removed and discarded once the axis of evil is rightly punished by our commander-in-chief.”

I do support our troops, but I wholeheartedly reject the demoralizing, condescending and inevitably doomed war into which our myopic leaders have thrown us.

Dusty Lavoie is a senior secondary education in English major.

The recent addition of an Intoxilyzer to University of Maine Public Safety is a perfect example of funds being put towards a worthy cause. An Intoxilyzer will help make our campus safer by putting drunk drivers in jail in a more efficient manner.

While many people may complain about how Public Safety uses its budget to amass a fleet of vehicles, there is no denying the fact that an Intoxilyzer will help serve Public Safety and the university very well.

In the past, if Public Safety wanted to test a suspected drunk driver, they had to transport them to the Orono Police Department – the closest facility with an Intoxilyzer. Now, they can bring alleged offenders to the Public Safety building on campus, cutting down on unnecessary transportation time which will allow for the officers to get back to patrolling quicker.

Perhaps people will think twice before drinking and driving armed with the knowledge that Public Safety now has an Intoxilyzer it’s easily accessible disposal. Any step toward making this campus safer is a positive one and Public Safety has made a wise decision in acquiring this device.

Leaving a bad taste in our mouths

Students who attend the University of Maine in the next few years will be the first to experience changes designed to enhance campus living for students.

First, there will be theme dorms for students to live with those with similar interests. Groups of new friends will be flocking from their theme dorms to newly renovated dining commons.

What’s the point of having a scaled-up, refined atmosphere, as proposed in the $20 million proposal, if the same low-grade food is being served? The fact of the matter is that students only care about one thing – their vittles.

Dining services claims food options will be modified and any alterations will benefit students – including foreign students – who may have different culinary tastes.

Let’s ensure that if we are going to spend $20 million on renovating the commons and making them more lavish, that the food gets a makeover to match the swanky new decorum, because bad food is still bad food, no matter how or where it’s served.

2 Bright Eyes * I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning

3 Low * The Great Destroyer

4 Kings of Leon * Aha Shake Heartbreak

5 Death From Above 1979 * You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine

6 My Robot Friend * Hot Action!

7 M83 * Before the Dawn Heals Us

8 Kasabian * Kasabian

9 Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds * Abattoir Blues

10 Sage Francis * A Healthy Distrust

11 U2 * How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

12 Aqueduct * I Sold Gold

13 Fiery Furnaces * EP

14 Die Monitr Batss * Girls of War

15 Futureheads * The Futureheads

16 Interpol * Antics

17 Kreator * Enemy of God

18 Black Maria * Lead Us To Reason

19 Handsome Boy Modeling School *~White People

20 Coachwhips * Peanut Butter and Jelly Live at the Gringer Minge

21 Sleepytime Gorilla Museum *~Of Natural History

22 Styrofoam *~Nothing’s Lost

23 Arcade Fire *~Funeral

24 Shadows Fall * The War Within

25 Lou Barlow * Emoh

26 Razorlight * Up All Night

27 Mae * Destination: B-Sides

28 Mates of State *~All Day [EP]

29 Hidden Cameras *~Mississauga

30 Dolorean *~Violence in the Snowy Fields

One might think that the Book Smarts team would take control of this competition, but the Street Smarts group is the group to beat. Not only do they have a net worth three-times that of the degree laden Book Smarts they also have been in the trenches for years, allowing them the mentality to perform in a variety of business tasks.

After watching the first episode it is evident that John is the front-runner for the season. He was the project manager for the Burger King task in the first episode. The Book Starts people didn’t understand the balance of customer service and having the necessary staff on their cash registers during peak hours. John had a great pep talk with the staff of Burger King and was able to contribute at all aspects of the team.

Across Manhattan the Book Smarts people actually had people leaving their restaurant because they didn’t have enough people trained on the cash registers. As people walked out of the burger joint they were faced by a promotion that looked worse than a game of pin the tail on the donkey gone wrong. The promotion included Danny the street performer, Project Manager Todd and Stephanie all just standing on the side walk, as the other half of the group were asking, “would you like fries with that?”

Despite his hair, The Donald considered Danny and his original wardrobe a “disaster.” But don’t expect Danny to be fired any day soon, because he makes for good television. Danny also makes a strong comeback after Todd is fired after the burger debacle. Danny actually arrives for the second task in a business suit.

After flipping burgers, the second-task the teams were forced to renovate a Jersey shore motel and only one word can appropriately describe them: “dump.” The two teams were only allowed $20,000 in budget funds to revamp the dives. The teams had to paint, recarpet, clean and renovate the rooms and bathrooms in just a matter of days. The teams must also used the money to furnish the rooms as well, before their guests arrive.

This week, front runner, John was the Street Smarts mediator between a bunch of the feuding women and the slick willy, crass Brian. Brian actually ignored the team and went and bought 12 unnecessary toilets and torpedoed the Surf Side Motels budget, resulting in moldy, smelly carpet to remain. The Book Smarts group also worked on their dump, The Sea Garden, but with less drama. The Book Smarts team did have a mini-drama when Verna walked off from the task, because she couldn’t handle the pressure.

The Book Smarts group actually won the task, despite the fact their rooms were not decorated as well, but their guests were happier. Danny deserved the MVP award, because he went the extra mile when he was helping guests to their rooms after they checked in. He started telling everyone of a social gathering that evening by the pool. Everyone had a great time drinking by the pool. Danny said that his group enjoyed the time with the guests because they knew what it was like to ditch class, play guitar and have a few beers. Their guests gave better scores and it was evident that they deserved to win.

The Street Smarts team got rid of the overbearing Omorosa-esk Brian and they should continue a team dynamic that is held together by John. Watch out in the next few months because John is going join the ranks of The Donald’s Apprentices.

“Pirates!” is a remake of a 1987 game by the same name, and mostly follows the story and gameplay of the original. 18 years has done wonders for the graphics, however. Gone are the three-pixel boats replaced instead by lush, opulent boats of different classes, ranging from small merchant ships to huge war vessels.

The game does a great job of staying true to its roots and keeps gameplay simple and entertaining. If you are looking for an in-depth, brain-stimulating strategy game this probably isn’t the game for you. The name Sid Meier implies a certain degree of strategy, like “Civilization,” and “Pirates!” does have elements of strategy, but for the most part it is not a thinking-man’s game.

You play the role a privateer in search of your family that was torn from you at the age of eight. Although, any form of plot takes a backseat for most of the game. In reality the purpose of the game is to attack other ships, commandeer these ships after you have defeated them and then sell their goods at different ports for gold. Along with navel battles you can also duel, attack towns, romance governors’ daughters and look for buried treasure.

The navel battles are probably the most entertaining portion of the game. As you sail around the Caribbean you can view other ships, their destination and their cargo, and you can choose to attack them if you so desire. When you do battle, you use arrow keys to move your ship and fire your cannons. While it may sound rather simple, it is rather refreshing and straightforward gameplay. Once you cause enough damage to the other ship with your cannons, you will either force them to surrender or you can board their ship and duel with their captain, this is most advantageous when your crew substantially outnumbers theirs. After you win a battle you can keep the boat and then sell it later or turn it into your flagship and upgrade it to make it faster, more powerful and in other ways.

Attacking towns is an interesting affair, as it is setup as a turn-based strategy, as you move your pirates around the land and then computer moves the town’s officers as you fight it out. If you win then you plunder the town – but surprisingly don’t rape the women – and take all of their supplies to sell.

Between attacking ships and plundering towns – in a G-rated manner – you can also accept missions for governor’s of various towns like escorting a ship or seeking out and destroyed ships.

Throughout the game you earn fame points by successfully romancing a governor’s daughter, destroying other pirate ships and taking over towns. There is also a list of the top 10 pirates on the water and you can watch as you move up or down on it, depending on what kind of activities you are partaking in.

“Pirates!” is not the kind of game you are going to play for months and months, but it is the perfect if you are looking to kill some time and want a game that is a real throwback to the games of yesteryear.

“I like the layout, it makes sense,” said Zachary Marriner, a fourth year business management major. “They’re definitely going to make their money back on it.”

Soma’s vibe is strikingly different from the rest of the Bear Brew. While Bear Brew is known for its laid back feel, the new club looks and feels like a nightclub, offering quite a different vibe. For those who are accustomed to the old Bear Brew it may take a little time to get used to seeing the entrance to Soma 36 in the middle of the second floor.

The club is manned by three bartenders and several waitresses, as well as a bouncer at the door. Working together, they were able to keep the drinks coming, although traffic at the bar did build up after some time.

One of Soma 36′s strongest aspects is its look. From custom-printed drink menus on every table to the backlit liquor cupboard behind the bar, the designers covered all the bases. The bar itself is dressed up with fluorescent lighting and shattered mirrors inlaid in its surface. Even the trays the waitresses carry have blue neon lights around the edge. Also noticeable were the matching shirts for the male employees and halter-tops for the female employees.

“It was quite different from the rest of the Bear Brew,” said fourth year forest ecosystems science major, Seth Rifkin, “but it was pleasant overall.”

Anyone who has spent time drinking on the second or third floor of the Bear Brew can attest that the lack of bathrooms on the upper floors was a problem, but along with Soma 36 comes two brand new bathrooms.

“It’s a good thing that bathrooms are upstairs so when the seal breaks you don’t have to rush down two flights of stairs,” said UMaine graduate student Ryan Logan.

Drink specials were running Friday night with well drinks for $1.50 and Jager bombs for $3. At one point during Friday evening, owner Matt Haskell announced that while the current song was playing, Bud Light and PBR were free. Needless to say, people flocked to the bar to take advantage of his offer. Lightweight drinkers be warned, as drinks in the club are mixed stronger than those in the rest of the Bear Brew.

One drink that seems like it could become a local favorite is the Fish Bowl, a giant bowl of alcohol, which serves at least three and even has Swedish Fish floating at the bottom. For $12, it makes a perfect drink to share with friends or significant other, as long as they don’t have herpes.

“I loved the Fish Bowl, it tasted really good, but it had a lot of alcohol in it,” said Logan.

While Friday night was crammed for the grand opening, Saturday night left a little to be desired as Soma 36 saw a fairly sparse crowd. It may take a few weeks, possibly even months, for Soma 36 to build credibility and draw a larger contingency. While people may be quick to point out the similarities between Soma 36 and Ushuaia, in reality the two clubs are notably different. Each will attract a different patronage and in a college town with so few drinking spots, both will thrive.

Jave Jive – The Project

8 p.m.

Tuesday, Feb. 1

Memorial Union

Free

GWAR

Wednesday, Feb. 2

Ushuaia

Bowling For Soup, American Hi-Fi

7 p.m.

Thursday, Feb. 10

Maine Center for the Arts

$10

ART

“Sense Is: The Annual Senior Exhibition”

Through Thursday, Feb. 3

Carnegie Hall

Free

“Persian Impressions”

Through Friday, June 10

Hudson Museum

Free

ENTERTAINMENT

Poker

8 p.m.

Monday, Jan. 31

Memorial Union

Free

Karaoke

9 p.m.

Saturday, Jan. 29

Memorial Union

Free

Climbing Night

3 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Weekdays

MaineBound Outdoor Education Center

$1

COMEDY

“The Maine Event – Brian Kaufman”

9 p.m.

Friday, Feb. 4

Memorial Union

Free

Bull’s Comedy Parade

8 p.m.

Friday, Feb. 11

Ushuaia

MOVIES

“Ray”

7:30 p.m and 9:30 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 2 and Friday, Feb. 4

100 DPC on Wednesday, and Bangor Room, Union on Friday

Free

“At the River I Stand”

7 p.m.

Thursday, Feb. 3

110 Little Hall

Free

Bars

College Night

9 p.m.

Thursdays

Bear Brew Pub

$1 Bear Brew beers

College Night

10 p.m.

Thursdays

Ushuaia

50-cent drinks

College Night

Thursdays

The Chocolate Grille

Half price entrees

If you would like an event posted on the Style Calendar, contact Matt Kearney on FirstClass.

The only thing keeping Sosa from departing the friendly confides and becoming a full-fledged Baltimore Oriole is himself and Major League Commissioner Bud Selig. For the deal to be officially finalized Sammy needs to waive his no trade clause and Selig needs to administer his signature on the deal.

I’m pretty confident Sammy will waive that clause, allowing the trade of one of the greatest home run hitters ever to play the game to occur.

Despite steroid allegations, throwing his back out on a sneeze, the infamous corked bat, his fallout with Cub’s manager Dusty Baker and being fined almost $90,000 for arriving late and leaving early, Sammy will be remembered for his smile in Chicago.

In the final days of his career, Sosa no doubt felt his world fell on his shoulders. Aside from his slipping performance in past years and playing in less than 130 games this season, Sammy and the Cub’s management were in a minor feud all year long. After going through a slump, Sosa was angered that he had been dropping in the batting order.

Sosa also went public with his criticism of Dusty Baker, saying that Baker blamed the Cubs’ failure on Sosa. While none of this reflected well upon the Cubs organization as a whole, it certainly made Sosa look like a sore loser. Has Sosa let the pressure of his poor performance and struggling team break his ability to be a good person? Had his recent string of bad luck tainted the image of the once so likeable slugger? Would his recent outbursts hurt his chances at being the Cubs leader, or worse, hurt his chance at the hall of fame? While nothing is certain, however, I currently think Sammy has nothing to worry about.

Goodbye windy city, hello Baltimore. Sosa is soon to be an Oriole.

The Dominican-born slugger will now join up with other power hitting Latin stars Javy Lopez, Miguel Tejada, Rafael Palmeiro and Melvin Mora. This new environment should definitely give Sosa a great chance to perform well since he won’t be the biggest star on the team and the surrounding lineup will take a lot of pressure off his performance. With less expectation Sosa should be able to get back to form and deliver the moon shot home runs we all remembered him for.

But what does this trade mean for Sosa’s chances at the Hall of Fame. It certainly is opening a door, even if it is closing the Chicago window. The chance to turn around his poor performances of the past two seasons should motivate Sosa to become fourth all time on the home run list. Sosa, who already has 574 home runs, has likely sealed his fate as a Hall of Famer. If Mark McGwire hadn’t beat out Sosa in the chase for Maris, and Sosa’s single season mark of 66 home runs stood for at least one off-season, I don’t think there would be reasonable doubt regarding Sammy’s chances at the Hall. However, without that single season record to his name, Sammy will need this opportunity to swat at least thirteen more home runs to eclipse McGwire and the legendary Frank Robinson for fourth all-time on the home run leader board.

Baseball has been known to give its elder statesmen a second chance every now and then. Sosa, who never won a ring during his term in Chicago, will definitely need to take advantage of his new opportunity. At age of 37, coming off a season which saw him play in his lowest game total ever, Sosa mustbe blessed to have received this good of a second chance.

Even if he doesn’t win the championship, he has still been given the opportunity to play baseball for a city whose team won’t place the pressures of winning directly on his shoulders. That alone should give him the opportunity he needs to swing his way into the record books and eventually the Hall of Fame.

A native of Liverpool, England, Madigan has begun to spread his passion for the game around the little hamlet of Hampden and surrounding towns. Madigan is the owner and operator of the Maine Sports Complex in Hampden. His dome-shaped soccer complex off interstate-95 at exit 44, might be the next big thing when it comes to indoor athletic recreation.

“The opportunities which we present are specifically in sport,” said Madigan. “On a private hire basis or league basis, soccer, flag football, field hockey, baseball and softball.”

“People travel from 60 miles around to play,” said Madigan.

Madigan has long been a enthusiast of the game. He opened the complex in January 2002 after purchasing the land more than a year before.

Madigan doesn’t stop with sports. He hosts a array of other activities and is eagerly in pursuit of others.

“I am waiting for my first marching band,” said Madigan.

The plan to establish an artificial grass facility in the Hampden woods has long been in the works.

“I had a great love of New England and had been coming over here for years,” said Madigan. “I had been doing business with a gentleman from Hampden, which lead me up to this part of Maine. Then he suggested four years ago that I consider selling my businesses in the U.K. and moving over to New England.”

As an established businessman in the United Kingdom and a Liverpool soccer club aficionado, the decision to leave his beloved homeland was a extremely tough choice.

“One of the businesses was selling soccer and rugby souvenirs to the U.K., continental Europe and Africa, as well as the far East,” said Madigan. “That was a company I enjoyed being a part of. I was sorry to say goodbye to the business but also to the closeness to soccer.”

The plan to form the complex with three partners fell through and Madigan was stuck building the establishment on his own.

“It turned out that I was the only one out of three that was prepared to follow it through,” said Madigan.

The creation of the complex was not easy for Madigan but the gentle Englishman weathered the storm.

“The building took place, regrettably, during the winter,” said Madigan.

Although the complex was closed due to various difficulties during its tenure, Madigan is confident in the development of the site.

“I am hoping in the next few years, we progress and advance and increase our facilities here,” said Madigan.

Nearly four and half years since the complex’s inception, Madigan still has half his heart in England.

“We haven’t turned our backs on the U.K.,” said Madigan.

If you have time enough to listen, Madigan could talk for hours on his beloved Liverpool team. Madigan, who traveled to see many of Liverpool’s illustrious matches, misses the close-knit family atmosphere that the games brought.

“It was great when you used to get to the ground, it was one big family being in the pubs before the game and singing the songs,” said Madigan. ”

That atmosphere is what Madigan hopes to bring to the pine tree state. Madigan still dreams of better attendance when it comes to the complex.

“Wee are not getting enough interest from university students who don’t realize the opportunities to play in our soccer leagues,” said Madigan. “I also don’t think there is enough use by university students setting up things on their own.

No matter what the preference, the instantly likable and approachable Madigan is eager to provide recreation for UMaine students just a corner kick away in Orono.