Opinion

Watch your back Uncle Jesse

Bringing to light new 'threats' of Stamos, Siegfried & Roy

By Matthew Conyers

Posted on April 11, 2005, at 12:00 a.m.

Some time ago, I realized I was scared of alligators.

Now, I am not talking about those cute little alligators that the media tries to sell you. No, I am talking about those big old nasty green creations down in the sunshine belt. They are my one and only weakness. Give me a school of sharks, a grocery bag of daddy long legs or even an afternoon with Kelly Ripa. I think I could handle that with the grace of Kate Beckinsale. However, throw one of those scaly, suspicious looking reptiles into the mix and I suddenly become a slightly more manly version of Richard Simmons. I hate alligators.

Former Oakland Raiders professional football player Cole Ford has a more random personal fear. Ford is petrified of magic-wielding homosexuals.

Whether they prance around, recite classic showtunes or shop at Banana Republic doesn’t matter to Ford. The only type of homosexuals that really set Ford off are the ones that hold the title of illusionists. That’s right folks, this old shriveled up place kicker opposes queer tricks. I have alligators, Ford has Siegfried and Roy.

On Sunday, according to a psychiatric report, the former pro wanted to “warn the world” of the threats posed by the troublemaking illusionists. Ford is charged with rifling off several shotgun blasts at the Las Vegas home of entertainers Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn during a Sept. 21 drive-by shooting. No one was hurt during in the shooting, but police said shotgun pellets destroyed windows and left a hole in an outside wall at the couple’s home.

According to psychiatrist Norton Roitman, who evaluated Ford, the kicker had considerable problems with the duo’s show.

“While watching Siegfried and Roy, [Ford] had a sudden realization that what was wrong with the world was linked to the illusionist’s treatment, dominance and unhealthy intimacy he saw them having with their animals,” Roitman wrote. “Ford felt they threatened the world, and he began to figure out how he could stop them.”

Ford has been ruled incompetent to stand trial and has since been sent to a mental health facility for treatment.

The news of Ford’s field goal rage has brought some important questions to the forefront. Most importantly, it stresses the importance of what, as a society, we should fear. Are there more Siegfried and Roy’s out there? Should we inspect Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel’s concert trailer now? Or how about uncovering the mysteries behind Matt Lauer and Katie Couric’s chemistry? Ford could have something here. Maybe as a society we are looking in the wrong direction. Screw Osama Bin Laden and Fidel Castro, come on people we got bigger fish to fry. So, without further delay, I present my top three security risks to this beautiful country. Remember, of course, this little rundown is based on Ford’s philosophy. So you won’t be seeing any outspoken, well-known crazies.

Number three on the danger list belongs to the one and only Jon Stamos. Yeah, you know him. He’s that loveable Uncle Jessie from “Full House.” Good hair, you betcha. Great personality, oh yeah. Chick magnet – come on do I even have to tell you? All three of these qualities put Stamos right atop the list of biggest threats to the free world. Need I bring up the fact that Stamos has recently broken back into the stratosphere with that little gem of a show, “Jack in Progress.” It is all a secret ploy by Stamos to make the comeback from hell. Stamos’ cocky, suave attitude represents what’s wrong with the world just as much as Siegfried and Roy’s philandering exploits do. Plus no world is safe with a man who cares so much about hair care.

Number two on the list is a high rising group that seems to be ready to strike at any moment: Boston College students. Adding to their flight risk is the fact that they are a group that steadily increases every fall. There is no stopping this crew of Abercrombie wannabes. Remember Waco? Well, be worried, we might have a similar storyline emerging if this group’s goals pan out. The similarities are all there. They think they are the smartest people around, rely solely on each other to form opinions and seem oblivious to the world outside of Newton, Mass. Students of Big East schools across the northeast have already asked to assist in the take down of the Eagles.

The final and most threatening of all, however, is Hideki Matusi of the New York Yankees. The sweet swinging man from the Land of the Rising Sun has taken over a rabid fanbase and now has his steely grip on the Big Apple. It doesn’t look like it will stop there. Matusi is poised to have another big year leading the Pinstripes – Satan’s own foot soldiers. If his alliance with the Yankees doesn’t scare you enough, must I remind what his nickname in Japan was? It was Godzilla.

Stamos, BC students and Hideki Matusi. Led by Siegfried and Roy, they stand as lethal weapons to the American way of life. Beware.

Matthew Conyers is a sophomore journalism major.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 11th, 2005, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.