Opinion

Foibles, follies of Thefacebook

Yet another anonymous tool to critique your peers with

By Aaron Barnes

Posted on April 14, 2005, at 12:00 a.m.

It’s official: I never need to leave my apartment again. Not that I had many reasons to venture beyond my front door anyway, other than to access the grill on my porch, or to sit on the front steps and throw rotten fruit at small children. Thefacebook.com is now my substitute for human interaction. It’s replaced instant messaging as my means of communication with society, and clearly, I’m not alone.

Thefacebook allows me to fill my people-watching needs without ever leaving my computer chair. It used to take an entire afternoon to observe and catalog others’ behavior, but now I’m able to do a facebook search and, just like searching for sex offenders on the State of Maine Web site, I’m able to peruse mini-biographies of just about every student at the University of Maine. The creep in me says, “Thanks, facebook.” The small portion of my brain that still thinks rationally says, “Holy shit, what a bunch of self-important pricks.”

Thefacebook fills the tremendous gap AOL and AIM profiles leave – you can only cram so much information into those little “My Profile” text boxes AIM provides. With facebook, a person is able to enter information such as classes, interests, a variety of “Favorites-” lists and a plethora of personal information. I know more about the average UMaine freshman on facebook than I did about my last girlfriend. And where AIM buddy lists failed – the number of buddies you have can’t be seen by others – the facebook shines. Here, you can plainly see how many “friends” each facebook member has. This is great, because clearly, the more friends you have, the more popular you are. And popular people are always better people. It’s the high school lunch table battle of the new millennium.

As with any new technology, thefacebook provides a number of unique ways to embarrass oneself. The site is even starting to develop its own rules of etiquette. Take, for instance, your photo. Don’t just grab any old photo of yourself that’s sitting on your hard drive; be sure and get the most outrageously self-serving picture you can find. You may even want to get a friend to digitally edit it for you. If you don’t feel like you come across as a big enough jackass in real life, scare a freshman new media major into Photoshopping a bunch of hundred-dollar bills behind a photo of you running with the football. Make sure to add some flame to that football, and throw some cops in there for good measure. A photo like this dictates, of course, that you preface your name with “The,” because there can only be one facebook chump as big as you.

Ladies, if you’re looking to get laid, or just to advertise that you’ll spread your legs for any “balla” at Ushuaia’s, avoid using your high-school yearbook photo. Find the glamour shots you had done without your mom’s knowledge when you were 17, or just have a friend snap a picture of you wearing a handkerchief you’re trying to pass off as a skirt. If you go this route, it helps to be under the influence and holding some sort of alcoholic beverage. That way, if your choice of dress didn’t indicate it, other facebook members will know that you’re easy. It goes without saying that your “Interests” section should include “clubbin!!”, “partyin!!” and “dancin” at USHIS!!!!”. May I suggest adding “Having sex with any warm-bodied male”? Just so nothing is left to chance, of course. It helps to load this section with random rap and hip-hop lyrics. Throw in some cliched quotes about life for good measure.

The “Favorites” section can be very useful. If you’re not a big reader, be sure and put something intelligent such as the following under “Favorite Books”: “Me reading a book PICTURE THAT WITH A F*CKIN KODAK….F*CK BOOKS.” Guess what? I bet books are all set with you, too. The “Favorite Quotes” section is where you can put those one-line gems that make sense to you and just one other person on the planet Earth, ensuring that all those who see them will want to be in on the big joke as well. Quotes such as “i am 21 sir…bad chinese food…i suggest you don’t have it” fit in pretty well here, and have me wanting to hear the hilarious back story.

Thefacebook allows me to find out about other people – in their own words, of course. Since humans never lie or have a tendency to put themselves in a good light, it’s a scientific way to gather data on students. There are some categories I’d like to see added to facebook, though. It would be helpful to have a “Venereal Diseases I Currently Have” category, with a chart that’s tracking your outbreaks so I know when we can get it on and when I should move on to the next piece of fresh facebook meat. A checkbox for “Will you move in with me and take all my damn money,” might be nice, as would an option to indicate whether or not you “Plan to string boyfriend or girlfriend along while taking the damn money.” I’d also like to know up front – via a facebook group, possibly – if you “Never wear underwear when going out,” because it’s awfully hard to cop an under-the-skirt feel with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

I’m off to check my facebook profile right now – I anticipate an invitation to the “I like to Drop it like it’s Hot” group any day now.

Aaron Barnes is a senior English major, who is currently in the Facebook Protection Program.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 14th, 2005, 12:00 am. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.