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I need a serious lesson when it comes to being single.
Well, I can’t say I’m all that surprised. After being off the market for the last three years, I guess I’ve just fallen out of practice.
But I had no idea I’d be in such a state of confusion, getting caught up in a whirlwind of mixed drinks, skimpy outfits and late-night phone calls. I started to seriously question what motivated people to become and remain single.
It took one night out with the girls to make me realize that I needed a change. For once in my life, I felt like doing something that just didn’t make sense. I craved spontaneity; unpredictability.
So I took the plunge, ended a long relationship, and traded in security and comfort for, well, I wasn’t really sure.
While my heart told me I was looking for something new – a new way of life, perhaps – I wondered if I was subconsciously looking for someone new.
Because the fact of the matter was, I’d gone from the occasional bar hopper to a Thursday night regular at all the local hotspots. I guess I was trying to get the full college experience.
Most people get it out of their systems early on. You know, freshman, maybe sophomore year. Flirting with that certain someone they’ve had a crush on. Giving them their number. Stumbling back to their place in a drunken haze in the early morning hours, arm in arm.
But I couldn’t help but think that these actions completely contradicted what the single lifestyle was supposed to be all about.
The whole concept of singledom means being able to do what you want, and not becoming emotionally attached to another person. So why is it that most singles often get caught up in pursuing someone new?
“Saying you are single is a code word for saying ‘I’m available. Let’s couple up,’” said Sasha Cagen, author of “Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics.”
Some of my friends were recently reliving the days when they weren’t tied down, and suddenly Cagen’s theory began to make sense. There was a recurring theme to their stories: Playing a round of strip poker and waking up naked in a pile of cards; telling the cabbie there’d only be one stop that night; somehow winding up in a tent; and – wow – what was his name again?
Every memory revolved around a random hookup. At the end of the night, was it crucial to take someone home in order to say you belonged to the single culture? And why was it so hard to be on our own?
“Both men and women are made to feel inadequate if they don’t have somebody,” said Cagen. “They are inundated with messages that something is wrong if you don’t have somebody.”
The other night at the bar, my friend approached me and discreetly pointed out a head-turning hottie she’d been chatting up. There was no doubt in her mind they’d be leaving together – come on, she wasn’t wearing those lace panties for nothing.
As I watched them grab a cab, I found myself wondering: What happens next? Do you call, or wait for them to call you? Or do you just assume it was a one-night thing?
That depends on what you’re after.
It’s pretty hot when somebody wants you as much as you want them. A person could get hung up on that feeling, and become addicted. If you’re okay with having no strings attached, then by all means go for it.
It seems that most glorified singles try to ignore or downplay their emotions, knowing that seriously involving themselves would put their single status at risk and cause them to get hurt if the other person didn’t feel the same.
Honestly though, who are we kidding? Developing bonds with others is inevitable. It’s human nature.
With that said, is anyone ever truly single? It’s so easy to get lost in one big cycle of feeling lonely, finding someone and then pushing them away. Is the theory of being alone, without a love interest or even a mild attraction, really attainable?
Cagen would say “yes,” even though her book points out that only about 5 percent of the population ever gets to that point.
What about the rest of us? Are we destined to continuously lapse into patterns of one-night stands and awkward periods of “sort-of seeing” someone?
Probably.
But I have a hard time accepting that. While I’ve been enjoying the spontaneity and unpredictability of single life, when it comes right down to it, I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t care what happened.
Then again, I guess I still have a lot to learn.
Bangor Daily News