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As you probably know, Super Bowl XLI is rapidly approaching, at a rate roughly equivalent to one day per day. I am wildly excited for this occasion, which is why I am writing today about tips for your Super Bowl party.
I feel Super Bowl parties are a huge part of the Super Bowl tradition. In fact, I find them so important that I often throw Super Bowl parties in May, just to keep the tradition alive. Admittedly, my Super Bowl parties rarely involve football watching and often involve pole dancing. The principle of the thing, however, is that these parties are thrown in the spirit of the Super Bowl, in the sense that partygoers frequently pound each other with their foreheads and occasionally lunge for each other’s butt regions.
This may be a tangential note, but I feel inclined to mention how truly popular my Super Bowl parties are. Former attendees of my parties frequently write to me to tell me how much they enjoy themselves. “Dear Corey,” they write, in unusually messy handwriting, “your party was fantastic until the ward attendants showed up. Also, please stop sending me letters because I have to open them with my teeth.”
I am not the only one who becomes excited by the approach of the Super Bowl. I have heard from a reliable source that Hollywood is filled to the brim with lavish Super Bowl parties on that famous night. Even Janet Jackson attends these parties, guarded by multiple security guards and an iron brassiere.
Anyway, without further ado, I present to you some extremely helpful tips for throwing a successful Super Bowl party.
What you need to do first is clear an amount of space adequate for handling dozens of extremely excitable violent people. Ideally, the perfect place for this would be one of those padded rooms seen in psychiatric hospitals, but that would be ridiculous. Those rooms aren’t nearly padded enough for your needs. What you want is a room with zero gravity, which will prevent your guests from being able to throw themselves violently against the walls.
Secondly, you need refreshments. You may be stressing about this to the point of feverishness, but let’s be realistic here: We’re talking about a Super Bowl party. I have observed over time that attendees of Super Bowl parties are willing to eat just about anything; a perfectly acceptable snack could consist of rusted nails. What I recommend is finally bulldozing that useless backyard shed of yours and applying the ingredients to some sort of “snack mix.” Your guests will absolutely love it, through their bleeding gums!
Presumably, you will also require liquid refreshments. My personal feeling is that if you are unsure what to purchase for liquid refreshments, then you are not a college student. In which case, why are you reading this newspaper?
I feel as if I am forgetting some minor, annoying detail in my instructions. I have described in detail perfect ideas for refreshments, location and activities for your Super Bowl party. What more could a person ask for? I realize a TV for watching the game is a good idea sometimes, but really, it’s just an arbitrary accessory.
