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It’s official: residents of the state of Maine are totally unprepared to deal with violence. I am referring of course, to a recent study conducted by the University of Southern Maine which indicates that 95 percent of Maine residents feel safe in their homes and neighborhoods.
Some might try to tell you this is a good thing. But don’t listen to them, dear reader. How can that be good? 95 percent of people in Maine feel safe. That means 95 percent of people here aren’t on the watch for bad things that could plausibly happen to them. 95 percent of people here are complacently secure in a false belief in their own safety.
A single motivated serial killer could take out that Ninety-five percent of the state population in a matter of hours. We need to be prepared for any eventuality. This world is populated, as any fan of “CSI,” “CSI New York,” or even “CSI Miami” is aware, by vicious killers, rapists, thieves and cult leaders. You could be murdered while you are reading this. The person sitting next to you could very well be the next Ed Gein.
I will wait for a moment while some of you look up who Ed Gein is.
A cursory look at movie offerings from the last few years reveals an increasing awareness in Hollywood that we are all in an extraordinary amount of danger, and it is best to be prepared. We’ve seen the “Saw” trilogy, “Zodiac,” remakes of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Hannibal Rising” and “The Hitcher” – all movies about serial killers. We’ve even seen a movie about a crocodile that purported to be about a serial killer. The makers of these films are trying to tell us something.
Think about it. Some guy might be reading about this study in this state right now, thinking to himself “Now here’s a state ripe for the picking.” Ninety-five percent of the population isn’t expecting anything at all. He could be greasing up his weapon of choice, assuming said weapon requires grease. The people in “Saw” all die because they aren’t prepared to rationally approach the problem of not being killed by a serial killer. This requires a calm head, and perhaps some forethought. Spend some time thinking about what to do if you get kidnapped and handcuffed to a sink. Consider whether you are capable of removing the head or destroying the brain of a zombie. Carry cyanide around, just in case you need to avoid being eaten by cannibalistic mutants. Basic preparations like this could save your life, or at least make the end of it less nightmarish.
But should we here on the University of Maine campus be worried? After all, the crime statistics for the campus seem to show that there has never been a history of violent crime here. There have been few if any assaults, armed robberies, or murderous rampages. It’s almost as though the state of Maine were generally populated by peaceful, law-abiding people, and that television and film is introducing a sense of paranoia by excessively showcasing criminal behavior. A more naive person might interpret this study to mean that Maine is still a safe place with relatively low crime rates; is a good place to raise a family and work and is probably one of the nicer places to live in the continental United States.
But that’s just silly.
Of course we should be worried. Look to your left and to your right, and then in several other directions. One of the people you see, assuming you see people during this exercise, could be a serial killer in the making. And as George W. Bush has taught us, it is in our best interest to strike at our enemies before they might possibly perhaps be capable of striking at us. Why take that risk? If you think someone might be showing signs of thinking about becoming a serial killer, take them down before they can become a threat.
It’s time for a little healthy paranoia. Ninety-five percent of people feel safe in their homes and neighborhoods. Do you want to just be another statistic?
Brian Sylvester didn’t get into Brown, and he’s bitter about it.
