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I think we, as a university, can all agree that there is one day in the year that should be regarded above all others. It is a day for Americans and foreigners alike to come together and – you may call me a ridiculously good-looking sentimentalist if you like – celebrate our ancestry. This is of course assuming that our ancestors were all pirates. Yes, dear reader, the day in question is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which you likely already guessed from the first sentence. After all, what other day could hold such prestige?
Perhaps I should elaborate for those of you who are currently scratching their heads and saying aloud, “What’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day? I don’t know anything!” International Talk Like a Pirate Day is a day in which all humans, regardless of race, gender and social security number, come together and talk like pirates. You may laugh, but that is because you don’t understand the importance of this occasion. I believe a quote from Winston Churchill is appropriate here when he said, in a year that started with “19.” the famous words: “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, but we shall not fight on the dockyards, for that is where our grog be stored.”
All major political figures, athletes, actors and lawyers celebrate this holiday with great gusto. Even the Pope celebrates, sometimes resulting in minor embarrassments for the clergy. Here I am thinking of the year when the Pope drank a bit too much of the communal grog and caused hook-shaped puncture wounds among several bishops. Why do these famous people celebrate the holiday? They do it because it makes life interesting. Look at the following boring old conversation between two typical neighbors.
JIM: Good morning, Bob. How’s work been?
BOB: It’s been great. How about you?
JIM: Oh, you know, I’m trying to get a promotion, so I’m really working hard.
I apologize if any of you suffered forehead injuries from falling asleep at such a boring conversation. Let’s look at a far more interesting conversation on International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
JIM: Mornin’ to ye, Bob!
BOB: Yo ho, Jim! How be ye? Been talkin’ to that lassie from work lately?
JIM: I be a-meanin’ to, Bob, but it be difficult.
BOB: Arrrr, I wish I could uncover her booty.
JIM: YARRRRRRR.
Since everyone is talking like a pirate on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, why don’t you, too? As you walk around campus on Wednesday, Sept. 19, greet your fellow students with a hearty “YARRRR!” instead of a boring old “Hello.” Wear an eye patch. If you are 21 or older, go out on the town and drink grog with your mateys. If you are under 21, stay in your room and drink grog with your mateys. If your boring old history class seems particularly dull, why not challenge the professor to a duel?
Petition the faculty to begin teaching that History of Pirates class that’s been being considered for the past few years. The possibilities are positively endless, just like the sea, which by the way needs to be more heavily laden with pirates. Let us celebrate this upcoming holiday while remembering those famous words in Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, when he said “Yo, ho, me hearties!”
Bangor Daily News