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Reading Cosmopolitan magazine, I could be forgiven for thinking the men of our species are deeply reluctant to have sex with women. The men from planet Cosmo are hanging out, shirtlessly lifting weights and talking about how they just can’t find anyone they want to sleep with.
Of course, this doesn’t make much sense. Reading Cosmo to find out about male behavior is like reading the Constitution for tips on car repair. Women and men have evolved sexual drives based on old-school expectations of primitive reproduction – women have babies, so they’re more selective. Men make babies and go away, so they’re less selective. Cosmo, apparently, explores some kind of mutant culture where men have become the selective partner, hording their seed for no good reason.
Look at your typical issue of the magazine, and pay attention to how often it talks about “him.” Sample headlines: “Scents that really seduce him,” “His 9 pleasure centers.” Best of all, there’s “Learn how to love his annoying behavior.” This includes a survival technique for dealing with a hypercritical boyfriend – Self-esteem be damned, maybe you should just be glad he’s helping you to improve!
For a magazine dedicated to women, it sure doesn’t seem to care about the sex lives of women. Or the health of women. Or, you know, women. Try finding a profile piece on a woman accomplishing something outside of snagging the perfect guy. It’s not there. So, if you’ve been getting your sex cues from the glossy guide to sassy living, here’s six sexy tricks to kicking the Cosmo habit.
1. The male orgasm is hardly elusive. You don’t have to learn any secrets to achieve it. Certainly, you two can get as kinky as you want – or at least as much as your roommates will tolerate – but let’s face it, college-aged boys are not reluctant to sleep with college-aged girls. In other words, don’t worry about surprising him with a magical position or finding a fetish that will drive him wild. If you trust him, talk to him about what you’re into and ask what he’s into. Furthermore, if he’s cheating, he’s a cheater, and no “trick” – particularly, putting any part of your mouth inside of that part of his body – will make him stop.
2. Women can have orgasms. It’s true! Cosmo spends a lot of time talking about the male G-spot, but for women, the female orgasm is typically number 889 on the list of 890 secrets for spicing up your sex life. Number 890, by the way, is putting ice cubes on his nipples, which no one on Earth actually enjoys. Ironically, a key component of an orgasm for women is communication and confidence, traits that Cosmo’s beauty tips and extreme cellulite-reduction techniques are sure to replace with paranoia and neurosis.
3. This one is for the ladies ironically buying Cosmo: there is nothing ironic about taking your money away. I know women who are constantly reading the thing and laughing at it, but I have to imagine that they’re secretly looking at the mirror, wondering if they have the shoe size that drive men wild. Stop reading it; stop feeling neurotic and start spending that time doing something that makes you happy, empowered and alive.
4. If all you think about is your man, you’re going to bore your man. It’s the tragic paradox of insecure boys. That is to say, boys.
5. Other Cosmo readers are buying the same handbag/shoes/make-up as you are, and not all of you can score the same mysterious “him.” So, you’re either competing with every other Cosmo reader to find a guy who wants a Cosmo-normative girl, or you’re going to find a guy who doesn’t care about your handbag. Either way, you’ve spent the money on the handbag. Don’t buy the handbag.
6.You are the one who decides when sex is going to happen. You don’t have to learn to love his belittling criticism. If he says something that makes you feel fat, don’t have sex with him. If he’s not taking care of business on your end in the bedroom, tell him what to do. He’ll do it, because if he doesn’t do it, you won’t have sex with him. See how this works?
The tactics that keep people reading Cosmo are the same tactics used by manipulative partners – the old line that “You’re beautiful just as you are, here’s how to change.” Cosmo tells you to be self-confident in the bedroom, and then asks if you measure up to his dream girl. It tells you to feel empowered, and then sells you make-up to hide your natural skin and a diet to shrink below your natural weight. If you’re reading Cosmo and you believe a word of what it says, you need to break up with the magazine and hang out with some actual guys. They’ll tell you the biggest secret of the male sexual mind: ice is uncomfortable and absolutely no one expects you to put your tongue where Cosmo told you to put it. Seriously.
Bangor Daily News