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Hollywood has been kind to us lately in terms of its comedic offerings. We’ve recently been privy to chuckle along with “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” and “Role Models,” but Tinsel Town saved its best for Jan. 2009 with the release of “The Unborn.”
The gist of the plot is thus: Casey Beldon (Odette Yustman) is having a bad day. Absurdly random visions involving termites and mask-wearing dogs haunt this poor-man’s version of Megan Fox without rhyme or reason. Casey and her walking stereotype of a black friend, Romy, uncover through a series of illogical plot turns that these hauntings derive from a malevolent demon. This otherworldly baddie has some sort of tie to Casey’s twin, who happened to die in utero and is very pissed off. In one act of scene thievery after another – namely “Jacob’s Ladder,” “The Exorcist” and “The Grudge” . you know, actual horror movies – Casey is chased around by the evil spirit who may or may not be anti-Semitic. Boom, there you have it: One steaming pile of vomit coming right up.
Amidst any supernatural snooze-fest, there tends to be a burning desire to know the origins of such shenanigans. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it; “The Unborn” manages to splice together an endless string of exposition. The entire movie is back story, and the brave viewer is forced to sift through it all to find any semblance of a cohesive narrative.
Fear not, there are a few scares to be had at this shindig. If you find any of the following things terrifying, you may want to think twice before plunking down eight bucks. Steer clear if you are morbidly afraid of: the aforementioned termites, large-headed children, ethnic and cultural stereotyping, exploitation of the Holocaust (yeah, it goes there), women who could stand to eat a sandwich or glory holes. I’m pretty sure there is no phobia for any of those things . except for glory holes. Everyone should be afraid of glory holes.
I’ve actually decided to start a rumor concerning the production of this piece of comedic genius. The rumor is that “The Unborn” was not written by the co-writer of “The Dark Knight” – which it was – but instead by a swarm of eleven-year-old girls. Case in point, not one of these characters talks or acts like an adult, unless those adults had some sort of severe learning disability.
Even after 90 minutes of writer-director David S. Goyer repeatedly kicking us in the junk, the point of highest comedy is unclear. That award could go to the fact that the legendary Gary Oldman pops in during the film’s third act, looking embarrassed as ever to be appearing in this abomination. Or it could go to the moment in the end credits where the movie refers to itself as a “film.” It really is a tossup.
If you enjoy comedy or simply hate movies then you owe it to yourself to check out “The Unborn.” Grade: D-
Bangor Daily News