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Nothing stings the beard enthusiast more than erroneous information relating to our favored form of expression — the growth of beards. In an attempt to belay some of these beard-related inaccuracies, today I’ll be addressing several beard myths.
The first myth may be one of the most prevalent pieces of facial hair misinformation out there. Many people mistakenly think that shaving will result in the growth of a fuller, and thus more masculine, beard. This is categorically false. It’s easy to be mistaken about this — it’s a persistent myth extolled by man. You can trust me on this one, guys. If it were true, shaving my head would have resulted in Fabio-esque full hair by now. It hasn’t.
You only have to think critically for a moment. We know the hair we cut or style is dead, while the part of a hair that resides under the skin is alive. How can cutting the dead part of something affect the part that is still living? Also, a hair’s thickness or propensity to curl is dependent on the follicle’s shape. Oval-shaped hair follicles make hair curly, etc. Shaving or cutting hair doesn’t change the follicle’s shape. A little fact-checking online shows that, in the words of Adam Savage, “This myth is busted.”
Next I’ll address a notion that can’t easily be proven true or false: Beards are the mark of an unrespectable man. You’re probably thinking this isn’t an actual myth — and you’d be right. But all men have had this idea expressed to them, whether through their mother’s insistence that they “shave that beard” or their girlfriend telling them they look like a bum.
Again, this can’t be proven one way or another, but to all my down-trodden brothers who may have had their hand forced to the razor against their will, fear not! It’s easy to rip this idea down once and for all. You only need three historical references to shut up the naysayer forever: Abraham Lincoln. Charleton Heston. Clint Eastwood. (For the more religiously inclined, substitute any three names from the Old Testament.) I’d like to see someone who’d say they weren’t respectable.
Last but not least, the most devastating myth of all: Women hate beards. Again, this is tricky because it’s not really “true or false.” Some women hate beards; others don’t. It’s a question of whether you’ll let your right to express your masculinity be thwarted by someone who couldn’t grow a beard, even if they wanted to. I suspect they’re just jealous.
It would be easy to say something contrived like, “A woman who doesn’t like your beard isn’t worth your time,” but this wouldn’t really help anyone. We know life and love aren’t that easy, but I would again offer examples of successful men who sport beards who have managed to find love. So don’t lose hope. Talk to your sweetheart about how important your beard is to you. Remind her of all the other things she doesn’t like about you. This should make the beard seem like no big deal.
Mario Moretto is the Beard Police.
