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Everyone would prefer to get rid of their bodily waste in the privacy and comfort of their own home, but the simple reality is that we must occasionally use public toilets. The University of Maine’s sprawling campus presents us with a multitude of options to take care of that necessity, but let’s be honest — not all bathrooms are created equal.
Most bathrooms at UMaine are passable. Some might smell bad, others might be a little crowded, but most still afford a pleasant experience, whether it’s No. 1 or No. 2. Yet some stand out from the crowd, the coveted palaces for poop and pee that are sought out by hundreds each day. These bathrooms represent the best of the best in comfort, privacy, cleanliness and environmental technology.
Conversely, there are those bathrooms that are unbearable — the rancid, grimy pits of despair that are avoided at all costs. These disgusting places are barely a step above outhouses and often, no matter how many times they are “cleaned,” still remain horrendous.
When reading this analysis, there are a few things that one must keep in mind. First, this examination includes a slight gender bias, however females were consulted and their input valued and included. While there is some specific mention of urinals in this piece, it should be duly noted that more often than not, the quality of the women’s bathroom is directly comparable to that of the men’s.
Secondly, residence halls were specifically not included for two reasons: They are not technically public bathrooms, and most commonly they are disgusting; It is uncommon for a public toilet to be covered in puke and have a beer can floating in it.
That being said, please use this list as a survival guide for when you’ve got to go on campus. Winter is upon us, but it still might be worth it to make the three-minute walk to take care of business.
Worst Bathrooms:
The classic intolerable bathroom smells horrible, is dirty, cramped, dimly lit and unbearably hot. There is a multitude of this type of bathroom scattered throughout campus, often in basements and other forgotten areas that just happen to be right across from where you have class.
The bathroom in the basement of Dunn Hall is a prime example. Once the Steam Plant gets going, the heat pours into that bathroom like a sauna. Forget making your visit brief. All coats must be stripped off for fear of heat exhaustion before one can possibly attempt any urination or bowel movement.
The heat combined with the constantly acrid smell makes for a double whammy of rank and stank. The air is thick and suffocating, and it smells as if someone defecated on the radiator. The urinals have little privacy barrier, the sinks spit out warm water in all directions and there are often no paper towels.
Bathrooms like this one are scattered throughout many classroom buildings, such as Shibles Hall basement and the first floor of Little Hall.
Another shining example of a bathroom gone wrong is the first floor women’s bathroom in Fogler Library. One female described it as walking into a 1940s boarding school bathroom. The stalls are wooden, often with broken locks for no privacy, and graffiti — though often comical — covers many surfaces.
Even the newest bathrooms can be plagued with problems. The multi-million dollar renovations to the Collins Center for the Arts made the place look beautiful but failed in the men’s bathroom on the first floor. It is a spacious, clean bathroom, but when a show is about to start and everyone is trying to drain the lizard before the house lights go down, it gets crowded. The line of urinals are cramped, with one forced into an awkward corner. In order to utilize it, one must maneuver dangerously close to another urinating male.
If you find yourself faced with one of these bathrooms, try to plan your bodily functions ahead of time. A bad bathroom experience can be a dayruiner, even long after you’ve flushed.
Best Bathrooms:
There is no such thing as a perfect bathroom, but some at UMaine come close. Spaciousness, cleanliness and comfort can go a long way in creating a beautiful, carefree experience out of what can be an uncomfortable event for some.
Some of these bathrooms are hidden gems. The Laboratory for Surface Science & Technology section of Barrows Hall first-floor bathroom, known mostly to only science majors and professors, is a diamond in the rough. Spacious and classy, it feels like a private bathroom in an executive business building. The off-white color scheme is gorgeous and even the smaller of the two stalls is comfortable. It’s a hotspot to seek out for a between-classes rest stop.
There is a definite trend of newly remodeled bathrooms being the nicest. The new Student Recreation and Fitness Center has great bathrooms attached to the locker rooms. The men’s bathrooms can sometimes get a little wet and / or hairy with the proximity of the pool but remains a smart choice.
The newly-built Wells and Hilltop dining commons have exceptional bathrooms that are not only clean and comfortable but also environmentally friendly. The no-flush urinals are good for the environment and fun to use. It always a fun game to aim your stream at the little bumblebee icon on the Hilltop urinals and the no flush design minimizes splatter very well.
But environmental-friendliness can be hazardous as well. The Memorial Union has a multitude of high-quality bathrooms, the largest concentration of anywhere. However, even the spacious and relatively clean bathroom on the bottom floor of the union is hindered by its sinks. The push-timed faucets turn hand washing, a post-bathroom must, into a next-to-impossible chore.
This examination is by no means a definitive list — it is merely a glimpse into the wide world of bodily waste receptacles at UMaine. Keep your eyes peeled for your go-to crapper — it may be found in the most unlikely of places. Next time nature calls, push yourself to discover newfound places to do your business.
