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The cast of Jersey Shore has had its fifteen minutes of fame, and if you know reality stars they are going to milk it for all it’s worth. My sources tell me that, with their contractual obligations to MTV behind them, America’s favorite guidos (and guidettes) have been training to make names for themselves in the athletic arena. With household names now due to their reality TV show, what would these fine, fit (minus Snooki) Italian-Americans be like if they entered the sporting world? Here are the sports each cast member would fit in best.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino — Triathlon: “The Situation” devotes so much of his time and energy into being a ladies man that there is almost nothing left for himself by the time he is done laying the “mack” down. He makes up for his selflessness by narrowing the focus of his entire life down to just three things: Going to the gym, getting that tan right, and having fresh clean shirts for the club—cause if you’re not looking your best you’re not going to be your best. Some may call his life shallow but I call it efficient, and his coaches call it revolutionary.
Since the show ended, Mike has been training for the triathlon in the 2012 Summer Olympics. He has seamlessly transferred his daily trifecta of Guido roboticism into the world’s most rigorous swimming, biking, and running regimen, which he hopes will earn him a gold medal situation when all is said and done.
Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio — Swimming: Even though the entire cast lived a stone’s throw away from the beach for an entire summer, they only made it out there a handful of times due to their nearly nocturnal sleep schedule. They spent a great deal of time pruning up in the hot tub. Pauly D thought he was just creeping on some girls while he was in there, but it turns out he was also auditioning for national swimming scouts who had identified a “loophole” that could make the 28-year-old DJ a star.
They think that if Pauly shows a natural aptitude for swimming, his hair gel ingenuity could give him the edge needed to become a star on the national swimming scene. By sculpting his signature blowout into a cone-shaped apparatus and using his remaining suitcase full of gel to make his entire body water-proof (and wind-proof, and bullet-proof), Pauly will cut through the water like a barber does his hair. Pauly’s secret is kept tightly under wraps and he won’t even be debuted as a member of the U.S. squad until immediately before the 2012 Olympics, because he plans to blitz the performance-enhancing drug testers who won’t even think to test for hair gel. His biggest remaining obstacle will be getting all those 3.4 ounces and above tubes through airport security.
Vinny Guadagnino — Golf: Vinny was by far the most laid back member of the cast, and the least slave to the guido lifestyle: Once blaspheming his pseudo-culture by saying he would rather play basketball, pool, and go to the beach than Mike and Pauly’s GTL routine. So he is going to use his newfound fame to kick back and relax on the golf course. The money he earned from the series, supplemented by his reluctance to leave the nest, has given him all the time and resources he needs to make it on the pro circuit. He plans to start out at the fairly easy to crack celebrity circuits like Michael Jordan’s annual charity event — if Chuck Barkley can make the field, Vinnie is a shoe-in.
His fun-loving attitude and talent for impressions will make him a big hit in a sport without much personality that is ripe for imitation. Tiger Woods and John Daly, we’re looking at you — how sad is it that it felt normal including those two in the same sentence? With Tiger out of the picture, golf needs a new fist-pumper and Vinny is never one to shy away from the opportunity.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro — Football: If you were looking for the guido prototype, then look no further than Ronnie. He is juiced-up, tanned-up, overly aggressive and has a vocabulary devoid of words over two syllables. I doubt that Ronnie has the size that a professional football league would look for in a player, but he is still young at 23, and could utilize his untapped college eligibility to build up a name for himself at the amateur level before making it big.
I envision Ronnie’s career perfectly mirroring that of Bobby Boucher’s in “The Water Boy.” He will be highly undereducated, his fits of rage will be triggered by visualizations of barroom brawls, and he will be coached by Henry Winkler. The only difference is that Ronnie will serve his signature “Ron-Ron” Juice on the sidelines instead of high quality H2O. As an added bonus, Ronnie already has a signature “sack-dance” and accompanying catch-phrase — “one-shot bro. That’s one shot!”
Jeni “JWow” Farley — Ultimate Fighting: Other than the women of the now defunct “Cinnamon Sweets” Bangor area prostitution ring, I have never been more frightened of a female in my life as I am of JWow. That is all I have to say on the matter.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi — Professional Eating: Athletics isn’t for everyone, and Snooki most certainly is “not everyone” in this case. Fortunately, we live in America and that doesn’t mean you can’t utilize your particular skills to find success in professional competition. In Snooki’s case, those skills being her rotund body shape — perfectly suited for storage — and affinity for phallic snacks — pickles, — both of which make her a perfect candidate for international hot-dog eating competitions. I think once Snookers realizes her “Snookin’ for love” reality series is not coming to fruition she will do whatever it takes to retain her fragile grip on stardom—including degrading her body even more than she already has.
As a side note: I think her dancing moves will equate perfectly to the shimmy professional eaters do when trying to force more food down their gullet.
Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola — Soccer: Sammi has a background playing soccer in college and she is really boring, so the sport suits her perfectly on a personal and professional level. If she can kick a soccer ball anywhere as hard as she can kick guys to the curb, she definitely has a future in it. She is also the only girl on the show who I would really like to see take off her shirt after a game-winning goal like Brandi Chastain did in the 1999 World Cup.
