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Tiger Woods’ apology speech was a classic career move, and one that will hopefully point him in the right direction. But who cares? Musical mistakes more heinous than Woods’ infidelity have been committed that no one has claimed responsibility for. Here are a few artists that should have made public apologies of their own.
The Beatles:
At the height of Beatlemania, John, Paul, George and Ringo should have called a press conference to apologize for what they were doing to the music world. Their music was and still is the best. They are too good; it is unfair to every other artist that they wrote the songs they did. The apology may have read something like this:
“We are deeply sorry for our actions over the last few years. By creating music of such high caliber, we have ruined the landscape of popular music for decades to come. To our fellow artists, we are sorry to have embarrassed you so badly. You will constantly be held up to the standards which we have set, and frankly they are way too high. Our creativity and accessibility will never be rivaled and for that we are truly sorry.”
Weezer:
Weezer should have stopped making music a long time ago. The “Blue” and “Green” albums were both immaculate, but what are they doing now? Wasting their talent all over the place. Rivers Cuomo’s apology should read:
“We are sorry for not quitting while we were ahead. “Only In Dreams” and “Say It Ain’t So” were deeply emotional songs, the likes of which we have never been able to recreate. It is clear to us now that our music has steadily gotten worse and as our mustaches get goofier, our songs just get lamer. We will continue to tour, but will only be playing selections from our first three albums. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you or your loved ones.”
Justin Timberlake:
Justin Timberlake issued a public apology after the Super Bowl incident, but he apologized for the wrong thing. Sure, some people may have been offended by a little nip-slip, but the real foul committed was against the Super Bowl itself.
Half-time shows are expected to be over-the-top spectacles of pop music. I want tributes to fallen soldiers and scantily clad pop stars singing on top of giant apple pies while fireworks explode. Since Timberlake’s escapades, fans have been treated to performances by oldies like The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and The Who. These artists are all legendary and deserve our respect, but the Super Bowl wasn’t even around when some of these artists were popular. Kids should be telling their parents who the performers are, not the other way around.
Timberlakes’s apology should be short and sweet:
“I’m really sorry I flashed Janet’s boob to millions of people — I promise I won’t do it again — but can you please allow some younger people to play at half time? I won’t even go within 50 miles of a Super Bowl.”
Boston:
There are a lot artists that are good at making every song sound the same, but none have mastered the art like Boston. I can’t listen to one Boston song without thinking it’s a different one. The only time I know I’m listening to a specific track is during the intro to “Foreplay/Longtime,” but once the real song starts up, I’m right back where I started. I love Boston, but sometimes it gets ridiculous.
Boston’s apology:
“We are all very sorry for tricking you into thinking we had a vast repertoire of material. We have been writing the same song for many years now, changing only a few elements. It was sly ploy, but we have enjoyed every minute of success gained from it. We now hope our music catalog will be enjoyed and evaluated as a whole. We may have written only one song, but we stand firm that it was a damn good one.”
Bangor Daily News