Movie Review: “The Three Musketeers”

Big-name cast can’t save historically innacurate remake

By Hillary Nason

Posted on Oct. 26, 2011, at 11:02 p.m.

This is not your classical adventure film.

It is a booby-trap full of buffoonery at the sword, nonsensical courtly talk, anachronistic humor and silly plots. You don’t need to read Rotten Tomatoes to know “The Three Musketeers” was a tanker for historical action film and Alexandre Dumas fans.

The opening line of the movie: “Europe is a powder keg waiting to explode in a war that will engulf the entire continent.” This depicts the revisionist era in which it is set. At the center of pre-explosion zone is King Louis XIII’s power struggle with his adviser, the Cardinal. Europe is in complete chaos and in need of a savior.

Each musketeer makes a sneaky, spy-like entrance into the plot. Love-beaten Athos, played by Matthew Macfayden, the pious Aramis, played by Luke Evans and brutal Porthos, portrayed by Ray Stevenson, are at England’s service. They spend their time awaiting a cause getting drunk.

The ambitious and hot D’Artagnan, played by Logan Lerman, with Buttercup, his dalmatian-colored steed, by his side, engages in challenging grown men to sword fight in his quest to become a musketeer. His first challenge is with Captain Rochefort over his horse being called a cow. D’Artagnan demands an apology be made to Buttercup or he will kill the captain.

Of course he is spared or he wouldn’t have run into the three musketeers one after the other on his first day in France. He challenges them all to sword fights at the same time and place.

The lad proves worthy in sword handling skills, but not so dashing in skills with the ladies when his country-boy attitude displeases one of the queen’s ladies in waiting. When the musketeers decide to bring him how like a stray puppy they declare, “We are warriors, but there is no war to fight. What we need is a cause.”

The sexy Milady de Winter, played by Milla Jovovich, clearly doesn’t only have eyes for a man — the French throne is her desire. She teams up with Buckingham and the Cardinal as a double-agent, out to deceive the best.

The main plot of the movie that ignites war between France and Buckingham is from stealing the queen’s diamonds and scandalous love letters to illustrate their mysterious disappearance. The queen is at despair so her lady-in-waiting rushes to D’Atagnan’s lair, with only a kiss to convince him to steal back the diamonds. The Musketeers switch to warrior-mode with cause at their sword-tips.

Bottom line: Sex sells. Each female is dressed with cleavage pouring out of her extravagant dress. When they speak, they bat their eyelashes and smile. You begin to wonder if anyone has an IQ above 40. Every man besides D’Artagnan is decked out like a Christmas tree. King Louis’ attire resembles a leprechaun dressed for Mardi Gras.

As Orlando Bloom enters as Duke of Buckingham with a style that would make David Bowie gasp, his slimy attitude surfaces immediately. This is Orlando Bloom’s first role as a villain, and he tanked. Some actors should stay cast in heart-throb, female audience-wooing roles and Orlando Bloom is one of them.

The actors leap into action with slow-motion ballerina twirls from unreasonable heights and all weaponry assault used takes place in bullet time.

The movie is completely inaccurate, historically speaking. It lacks humor since all of the inaccuracies come off as silly.

The only thing saving it from being a complete tragedy is the laughter it manages to achieve. If you’re feeling blue, go to this movie and realize there are bigger failures.

Grade: D

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 26th, 2011, 11:02 pm. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS feed.