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Columnist: GOP, Cain political pie recipe calls for many toss-ups and a whole bunch of bologna

Pizza may be back on the menu for 2012 Republican presidential nomination candidate Herman Cain, as he announced his suspension from the campaign on Saturday — a move in response to waning support among followers.

The American public has shown they are satiated from the generous servings of Cain’s sexual misconduct allegations rather than nourished by his political aptitude or pepperoni pie.

Mere months ago, Cain’s popularity had surged in national polls, establishing himself at the center of the political spotlight during the GOP debates.

He attracted conservatives disenchanted by Mitt Romney’s backing of the Massachusetts statewide health care reform, in addition to Romney’s flip-flopping stance on abortion.

Furthermore, Cain appealed to conservatives who opposed Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s lenient immigration stance and his proposed mandate of vaccinating young girls with Merck’s HPV Gardasil vaccine.

Although Cain boasted the credentials of a true social and fiscal conservative, his personal life proved a little more … liberal.

In the late 1990s, while Cain was president of the National Restaurant Association, two women accused him of sexual harassment, both of whom were settled with financially by the restaurant group.

More recently, two additional women came forward accusing Cain of sexual misconduct — one alleging Cain groped her in a car back in 1997.

However, the icing on the cake — or the cheese on the pie, if you will — were accusations made by Ginger White, the woman who hurled allegations of an extramarital affair toward the Republican presidential candidate.

White came forward claiming she and Cain had been involved in a 13-year affair, a relationship which blossomed in the late 1990s while Cain was head of the National Restaurant Association and ended when he began to consider presidency.

White used her phone bill history as partial evidence, showing 61 calls or text messages between her and Cain. To confirm any doubts the public may have had as to the nature of this affair, White asserted that sex was indeed involved.

Everyone is allowed to have secrets, Mr. Cain. I’m afraid you’ve had the wrong ones.

I am at peace with God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me, Cain professed to the public on Saturday.

While Cain alleges peace with God, the conservative right is left to bask in havoc with the other stellar GOP candidates.

Newt Gingrich, who makes Cain look like a sexual misconduct novice, proudly wears his three marriages and numerous extramarital affairs on his sleeve.

Gingrich was even so kind as to lead the charge against former President Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Little did the public know at the time he was the pot calling the kettle black, as Gingrich was engaging in a purely non-platonic, six-year-long affair with congressional aide and now wife, Callista Bisek.

And then, of course, there’s Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., who  automatically disqualifies herself from any serious consideration.

Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, is an option but is often considered a nemesis of social conservatives because of his libertarian stance on abortion and gay marriage.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney may be a viable option for conservative Americans who aren’t keen on Gingrich’s rampant infidelity and questionable family values.

Although Romney’s cited financial savvy and job-creating history at private equity firm Bain Capital appeals to fiscal conservatives — despite Romney’s actual role in slashing jobs of nearly 2,000 workers in the Dade deal — the real bane of his existence may be the social side of things.

Those of the Christian ilk are proving rather disenchanted by that Mormon mumbo jumbo. And his shaky stance on abortion and civil unions doesn’t help.

Perhaps Perry proves a more viable option for true conservatives.

Perry appeals to many evangelical Christians, as he himself is one and has positioned his religion at the forefront of his campaign, proudly issuing a statewide proclamation of prayer for rain.

Needless to say, these entreated invocations and incantations sung, spoken and sambaed by millions of Texans did not yield the much sought-after precipitation.

Conclusively, with or without Cain, the remaining GOP candidates left to vie for the nomination offer no new recipe for progress but rather exemplify the comedic, duplicitous and maniacal face of American politics.

Perhaps 2012 will indeed mark the end of the world.

 

Erin McCann is a fourth-year biology student. Her columns will appear every Monday.