Election years certainly bring out the loonies. We all know it. I’m sick of Rachel Maddow stealing my hair cut, Glenn Beck pretending to cry — the whole shebang. I’m sure you’re sick of all your politically motivated friends — like me — flooding Facebook with status updates and news articles about how stupid Mittens or Barack HUSSEIN Obama is. Thank God all this crap is almost over. But seriously, one man makes my blood boil like no other: Donald John Trump.
Apparently being filthy, stinking rich can’t buy you enough attention, because every election cycle, Trump jumps out of nowhere and throws money until the press pay attention. Last time it was all for Barack Obama’s “birth certificate.” Trump couldn’t believe that a black man could be president, so he insisted that Obama wasn’t even a U.S. citizen. Frankly, I think it’s unbelievable that a man with the middle name Hussein is in the white house, but I view that feat as progress. Trump thinks everything the president has done is the opposite of progress. I had the displeasure of looking at his twitter recently, and about every 20 minutes he has some snarky thing to say about the president. I doubt very much that Trump is behind all the tweeting. I mean, isn’t running a billion-dollar empire a lot of work or something? If Trump is so dedicated to job creation, I ought to send him my resume and an application to be his personal tweet bot. I think I could think of more clever insults to Democrats than things like “global warming is based on faulty science.” I don’t think the people of New York and New Jersey really believe that one right now, Donnie.
To think that a conspiracy alleging that the president of the United States of America isn’t even a citizen can get serious national attention is perfectly absurd. This time around, Trump said he’s got something big. He made the announcement a couple weeks ago and it blew the world away: The president’s college records and passport information aren’t accessible to the public! He promised to give $5 million to charity if the president got him said records. What could the big secret possibly be? A failing grade in college algebra?
The birth certificate hoax is obvious, but this one just doesn’t make sense. The president didn’t release the records by the end of October, so I guess Trump’s charity bid is off the table. I won’t pretend to have any idea why Obama didn’t comply with this request, it seems like easy money to me, but I’m certainly not suspicious because he didn’t choose to do so. I don’t think that Obama’s grades are as relevant to national understanding of a candidate as Romney’s unreleased tax returns.
Trump’s announcement did bring out some pretty hilarious jokes among the entertainment world. First Stephen Colbert offered to donate a million bucks to charity if Trump “gargled his balls,” then fellow billionaire Mark Cuban offered a million if Trump shaved his head. Come on, Cuban! Trump spends that kind of chump change on his weekly hair products.
What I’m trying to say is, I’m sick of watching filthy rich losers cry wolf for attention. Mitt Romney’s been doing it all election cycle, alleging that his family has been under assault by the president’s campaign, and I’ve yet to see a look on Donald Trump’s face that doesn’t look stern and defensive. I keep waiting for Trump to make another announcement, explaining why college records are so important, but I think I’m waiting in vain. All I’ve really learned from this election’s Trump Card is that Donald would give anything to spend a day in the life of Perez Hilton.