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Monday, April 14, 11:57 a.m.
Opinion

CIA head latest to join adultery leaders

Is it just me or is everybody breaking up? Seriously, the past three months have left most of my friends single and hating it. I’ve got a theory that it’s the time of year. Maybe there’s something about fall that just pushes people apart. I guess I don’t have any crappy statistics to cite, so I really don’t know. One thing’s for sure though: CIA director David Petraeus certainly can’t keep his hands to himself.

It wasn’t two days after the election wrapped up that Petraeus hit a front-page home run with the announcement of his resignation because he was having an affair. At first I thought, what is it about an affair that makes a person need to resign. In most cases, I stand by this sentiment. It’s not a crime to be unhappy and unfaithful, though it’s certainly not good practice.

Then it occurred to me just who this man was — the director of the Central Intelligence Agency. If someone having leverage over this guy isn’t scary, then I don’t know what is. Maybe I just love conspiracy theories, but I’ll bet you all the diamonds in Ann Romney’s jewelry box that the director of the CIA knows some important and valuable things.

Important and valuable things about what? Important and valuable things about everything.

I hate to be controversial, but here’s the kind of compromising info I would want if I happened to be having an affair with the director of the CIA: a complete list of field agents, all over the world with pictures, a photocopy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate to print on Donald Trump’s toilet paper, a list of Donald Trump’s greatest fears, and all my exes’ Facebook passwords, just so I could check up on them every now and then.

I would of course sell the list of field agents to the Russians and use the money I made from it to buy a nice loft in New York, where I could spend the rest of my 20s trying to fit in with trust fund brats. What can I say, you take what you can get. I wish it went more like this than the way it did. Maybe his mistress did blackmail him — like I would have done — but Petraeus was playing big league. This whole thing came to light because his mistress went to the FBI for protection when Petraeus started terrorizing her with threatening emails. Now that he’s been caught, he couldn’t be sorrier for what he did.

What is it about powerful men and thinking they can get away with everything? Clinton thought he could score some afternoon delight in the White House; he sure didn’t get away with it. My personal favorite happened in 2007 when Idaho senator Larry Craig barked up the wrong tree in an airport men’s room. Now the director of the CIA thinks he can get silly on the side. All of these men didn’t think they’d get caught, but when you’re a government official — and kind of a big deal — it’s pretty hard for people not to notice. Seriously Petraeus, if you’re going to be unfaithful to your wife, don’t terrorize some poor woman to get your kicks. You give people like me a fine excuse to make fun of your acronyms like this: Central Intelligence Agency, or Colossal Idiots Anonymous?