Dear CMJ

Don’t Want to Ruin the Friendship,It sounds like in order to assess the status of your friendship, you are relying on a lot of nonverbal communication—which is what we’re studying in CMJ 102 this week. We think you’re smart to be paying attention to the nonverbal cues that you’re both sending and receiving, because as our text says, as much as 93% of meaning in any interaction is attributable to nonverbal communication (Fundamentals of Communication, Teresa Fisher, 2022, p. 93).

Some of the categories of nonverbal communication, according to our class, include (1) haptics (2) paralanguage, (3) kinesics, (4) proxemics, (5) artifacts, (6) chronemics, (7) physical appearance, and (8) the physical environment. Here’s what our class says about some of these categories as they might be helpful for you in deciding your next move:

Haptics is the study of touch in nonverbal communication, and it’s pretty major when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones. If you think you have a crush on this person (and you think they feel the same!), try introducing some haptics: try touching him on the shoulder, patting him on the back, little things like that to show that you’re interested. If he responds in kind, it could be an indication that he feels similarly.

Another thing to think about is paralanguage, the way we speak to each other beyond just words. Paralanguage includes things such as tone, pitch, rate, volume, your pauses and silences, and dysfluencies (ums and ahs). Paralanguage can be different in groups and one-on-one. Does this boy talk to you differently when you’re alone?

His kinesics may be very telling; look at his body language and eye habits around you. You can also ask friends or people who’ve seen you together to see if they picked up on anything about his body language.

You may also want to consider his proxemics—how close does he stand or sit next to you when you’re together? Use of physical space can say a lot!

Try and take note of how fast he may be responding to texts or how punctual he is when you two hang out together.

Pay close attention to how you interact in different physical environments: Notice what it’s like being alone in a less intimate place than a bedroom. If you are alone in an environment that is less intimate and still feel tension or a connection, that could be a good sign you are more than friends/reciprocating the feelings.

It sounds to us like physical attractiveness might start playing less of a role in what happens next because you have gotten past first impressions. Now it’s more about how you would not only need to be physically attracted to each other, but also emotionally attracted to each other.

Finally, as important as nonverbal communication is, it can also be contradictory or hard to interpret. So you can also try some good old-fashioned, honest, direct verbal communication to say how you feel, including that preserving a friendship is more important to you than becoming a romantic pair. Write back to us if you’d like more information on the challenges and value of vulnerability in interpersonal communication like this. And good luck!

Politics in the Relationship,The theory that we studied in our class that we think might be most helpful in understanding your relationship is the Communication Theory of Identity (CTI). This theory says that we can understand different aspects of our identities (in your case, your boyfriend’s and your political identities) by analyzing them with four frames:

• Your personal frame (how you describe your political identity and think about yourself as a whole person)
• Your enacted frame (how you perform your political identity: bumper stickers, discuss topics, vote)
• Your relational frame (how you understand your political identity in relation to others, like parents, friends, or your boyfriend)
• Your communal frame (how you understand your political identity based on big, powerful social messages, the media, and political leaders)

When these frames are consistent, that makes it easy to understand our sense of self and our interpersonal relationships. But when these frames are inconsistent with each other, that’s called an identity gap, which can make our relationships with ourselves and others more challenging. It sounds to us like both of you are experiencing identity gaps. You describe yourself as politically progressive (your personal frame), but you are in a close relationship with someone who describes himself differently, which can conflict with your enacted and relational frames. Our point is, we agree that identity gaps are tricky, and we empathize with you. If you feel like your identity gaps aren’t too unsettling, and you really value this relationship, then the relationship is probably worth preserving. If you feel too misaligned in your identity and not like you are living your values by being with someone who doesn’t share them, then that’s understandable, too.

Ultimately, we are big fans of very kind communication, so regardless of what ideas people hold, as long as they are genuinely compassionate and respectful to everyone, they deserve compassion and respect—and in the case of your relationship, love. Lots of couples who have different political viewpoints make it work and help each other see new perspectives. We wish you lots of luck and great communication with your boyfriend.

In CMJ 102, we learn that all interpersonal communication (communication between people) starts with inTRApersonal communication, or self-talk.
So, we recommend that you first get clear with yourself about what you want in this relationship and what you want to talk about with him.If you really like this guy and want a dating relationship, then be direct about that instead of joking around or hinting at your concerns or what you really want to talk about.
If you find that you’re both aligned in what you want in the relationship, that’s great. If you find that you’re not aligned, then you would need to decide if you are willing to compromise on what you first decided in the self-talk you started with:
I want X. He wants Y. This is/isn’t still worth it to me. Communicate accordingly.

But at least you’ll have more clarity, which it sounds like you don’t have yet. So we recommend honest self-talk and a great relationship with yourself first, followed by honest, clear communication with him.

Meaningful Date,We think it’s great that you want to be a thoughtful partner towards your girlfriend. Here are some ideas that we tossed around in our class:

• Make her a nice dinner from scratch and show your appreciation with thoughtful efforts or activities.
• Worry less about surprising her and ask directly what would be meaningful to her.
• Think about all the ways you know your girlfriend well, and go for the surprise based on the kinds of things she likes.

But here’s our real advice: whatever you do, consider the communication climate that would be the most enjoyable and special for her.
A warm, caring communication climate—created through genuine confirming responses, intentional presence, and generous listening (free from distractions like stress and devices)—will make most activities meaningful.

Have a great fall break, and have a great date!

Two Boyfriends,We encourage honest, clear communication in all interpersonal relationships. For additional perspectives on your particular question, we welcome a response in partnership with fellow student and instructor colleagues in PHI 100, an introduction to Contemporary Moral Problems:

This is a classic example of a moral dilemma, a situation where there are two options and it’s not apparent which one should be pursued. From your concern about the boyfriends discovering the situation at commencement, we infer that they do not know you are in a relationship with another person as well. You also make the strong value judgment that this is “wrong.”

In philosophy, we talk about two common approaches to making ethical decisions. One is deontology (duty-based): actions are right or wrong regardless of consequences — for Kant, using others merely as means is wrong. The other is consequentialism: evaluate actions by their outcomes — a consequentialist asks which choice produces the greatest overall happiness.

Unfortunately, there is no magical solution to the dilemma you face. However, numerous concepts, principles, and theories in philosophy can help anyone navigate their own path. We learn how to do this in PHI 100 Contemporary Moral Problems (offered every semester).