My least favorite part of this job is not being able to use oxford commas. Everyday I think of the Alan Rickman quote that goes “when I’m 80 years old and sitting in my rocking chair, I’ll be editing for the Oxford comma. And my family will say to me, ‘After all this time?’ And I will say ‘Always.’” He actually never said this but it would be cool if he did. Well, at least as long as I follow AP guidelines I can say whatever I want. For example:
4/6:
“Liquor? I mean if she asks nicely.” Did you know that they put yeast in cider?
4/7:
“How umaine feels using the emergency alert system to let us know they updated the emergency alert system.” Setting off the UMaine emergency alert system, whole time I’m shaking what my momma gave me at Wells dining off a single Woodchuck cider.
Remember that no one is forcing you to post on this app. “Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, someone sh*t their pants on the 3rd floor of the library.” Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, you kept that too yourself.
4/8:
“If KFC Mac and Cheese was a woman, I’d let her abuse me.” You take your meds this morning?
I love when people get philosophical on here. Like yesssss, show some signs of self awareness queen! “You ever think about the fact that the only reason you haven’t died yet is because you haven’t died.” Actually, prozac is the only reason I haven’t died yet.
“Might just be how high I am right now, but I’m starting to see why kids want to eat these things so bad.” Pictured is a button battery. A little lithium never hurt nobody, look at Kanye!
“I hate all of you,” said one user, to which ‘flaming noodle’ reposted “i love all of you,’ to which ‘guiding_moonlight’ reposted “I’m indifferent to all of you.” We seem a little conflicted, but that’s okay. It’s probably just all the sexual tension on this app.
“Guys I’m finally gonna update my phone for the first time since August 2024. RIP to a baddie.” I don’t have enough storage to update due to the disgusting number of YikYak screenshots I have in my camera roll. You guys have no idea the sacrifices I make.
“Is the f*cking printing portal down or does it just hate me.” I’m not sure, but I love you :).
I’m trying a new psy-op where I post anonymously on YikYak. So this week I posted something… secret. I got called horny. Take that as you will.
“SHOT MY SHOT W MY #1 CAMPUS CRUSH,” said one user. “Was it ace flag,” asked another. I thought everyone was just talking about Love Island or something. The whole time it’s just some chopped UMaine basketball player cheating on his beautiful basketball girlfriend.
“I’m a freak in the sheets. And by sheets I mean sheets of paper cause I’m writing your mom handwritten letters.” Sometimes I think of when Napoleon Bonaparte sent a letter to his wife writing “Don’t wash, I’m arriving in three days.” So bold.
4/9:
“Friendly reminder to give your situationship attention today” someone said. “Can you people just date like functioning member of society” “No fr tho, pmo” Guys, just let me have my high commitment exclusive longterm passionate situationship.
“University singers shut the f*ck up challenge level impossible.” I’m not saying I’m against this, but their whole thing is singing so…
Thanks for reading guys. This week I collaborated with the new culture editor for this, so lookout next semester for the newly authored beats!
