Somehow I shifted to an alternative universe where the Editor in Chief suggested I release the YikYak files. In them contain every YikYak post and comment ever removed from every Beat written this academic year. To say I am excited would be an understatement. My only concern is potentially being executed by the CIA for releasing these files. So enjoy, and remember to always pop your [REDACTED].
11/7:
“Boob job? Where are they hiring.” I’m not going to comment on this one as I doubt it will make it through the editing process. UPDATE: it did not. Anyways, are they still hiring?
11/13:
A photo of an elevator sign with three human figures has the caption “do you think they’ve explored each other’s bodies?” I can only dream of being this funny.
This wasn’t redacted but was just a banger and topical for finals week: “Lowkey might be a little trans but I don’t have time to deal with that right now.” Someone commented “THEY/THEM: Off, JOB: On.” This reminds me of a post that said “that part of the grind where you are lowkey asexual.” All too real.
11/19:
“I came here at a very heterosexual time in my life. Little do they know I was a lesbo until a year ago.” Did you get red pilled at the University of Maine? You may be entitled to compensation.
2/7:
“What if instead of hockey it was hawk tuahkey,” said ‘york.groundhog.’ I really hope the editors take this one out. UPDATE: they did, at least temporarily.
2/16:
Then this diva said, “I’ll block a b*tch on mainestreet.” Awesome. I can’t wait until they introduce Mainestreet reels. Maybe DMs too!
2/18:
Anyone remember Crossland Hall? “It’s okay guys! We demolished a 200 year old, functional, historical building for 18 parking spots and a huge financial loss!” But “do you think they’ll make them blue spots,” asked ‘doigaboigadingdong.’ If they make them blue I will personally pull a Crossland on this whole campus. UPDATE: they didn’t make them blue!
2/24:
“We all lowkey lost the plot to life back in 2020.” Speak for yourself, I am now the creator of YikYak Beat… yeah, no, you’re right. Every week they hold me at g*npoint and force me to write these. At least I get to say [REDACTED] in the newspaper.
3/3:
“So cold my dih fell off now i have a clih.” Call that “free bottom surgery,” one user added. Saving a lot of money, or so I have heard.
3/11:
‘Pink_rate64’ said “I love when the snow melts enough to pythagorean theorem my way to class.” Fun Fact: they demolished Crossland Hall to make the walk up from the steam lot faster!
3/24:
Another amazing sequence of events was: “It’s been a great day, someone left their car unlocked in the CCA with a wallet sitting right there in the open. There was a bunch of money. I just couldn’t help myself. Thank you god!” There was a wide variety of comments, including “I hope your family dies.” So sweet! Some things give me so much hope for the future of mankind.
4/6:
“How it feels to win your parking violation appeal,” said ‘rage_against_the_kiwibots.’ Maybe the reason I violate parking rules is because I secretly wish someone would violate me.
4/8:
“Bled through three times in 24 hours.” Bring back free bleeding. Free bleeding is anti-capitalist.
4/9:
“University singers shut the f*ck up challenge level impossible.” Hey if they weren’t annoying they would have nothing left.
4/10:
“Seeing someone you’ve hooked up with on campus is like touching a hot stove twice to see if it’s still hot (it is).” Someone commented “Me with my lesbian situationship.” Wait, “Are u my situationship.” What a beautiful love story. I hope they talk it out and maybe graduate to long-term-exclusive-passionate friends-with-benefits! I hope that was enough hyphens.
4/16:
One person announced, “free abortions and cl*t piercings and top surgery at MLK PLAZA!!!!” Someone else chimed in, “Are you guys doing bottoms as well?” I think this is what MLK would have wanted. Perhaps this was what he was dreaming about?
4/20:
“I love thick white girls.” Okay! I’m not sure where this came from but I’m so happy that you feel comfortable expressing your feelings.
4/21:
“My thong is so far up my a*s i can taste the 40% cotton and 60% polyester.” Girl you gotta up that cotton ratio. Personally I prefer when I can taste what region the cotton was grown in.
“Starting my goon sesh by acknowledging the indigenous land we occupy.” Someone asked for clarification: “Does that mean you’re gooning to indigenous people?” Another was satisfied with what they were given: “King sh*t.” This feels extremely respectful, thanks for sharing with the class.
4/23:
“I’m only good at fingerblasting. I have no other skills.” Maybe master of one can be a good thing.
“She york my groundhog while i touch her tito’s.” There is nothing I can add to this, it’s in its peak form.
4/25:
“Someone said ‘not a jack of all trades but a h*e of all hobbies’ and I really resonate with that.” Someone commented “i HATE when people are funnier than me.” Sucks to suck! You should be like me and just steal other people’s work.
And that is it. The last article for the Maine Campus I will ever publish. It has been a great ride. Back in the fall of ‘24 I began as a news writer, covering the blood drive as my first piece. Flash forward and I get the amazing opportunity to be the culture editor. I started out writing real articles, but soon devolved to spending much of my time typing these atrocities. I have no journalism background, my major has nothing to do with it at all, yet despite that, it has been the most fun and rewarding job I have ever had and I am incredibly sad to leave. My only hope is that I made at least one person laugh, and many more violently mad and uncomfortable. My name is forever tarnished, and with that I can die a happy person.
